Time

Time is a precious commodity. Time flies. The time is now. Only time will tell.

We all know these sayings about time. We have more than likely been hearing them our whole lives. But the more I think about all these expressions, the more the concept of time makes me feel sick to my stomach. Is that strange?  Recently I have seen how truly scary time is. I am guilty of focusing on the future probably more than I should. When will Josh be done with school? When will we be comfortable enough to have more children? When will I be able to buy a house? When this and when that. So what is my sudden realization you might ask? WHO FREAKIN CARES. 

As I write this blog I have the urge to throw up. You know that tight feeling in your chest and the lingering tickle at the bottom of your throat? Yeah, it's all there. I'm not for sure where this sudden anxiety of time came from. Actually no I take that back. In the last month I have had not only one but two of the closest people in my world relationships end. I'm talking one marriage and one soon to be proposal....VERY invested relationships. It terrifies me to think that they were happy...then they weren't. (Now come the tears) You live your life every day planning for your future together and somewhere in all the planning you forget to live in the present. Then one person begins to stray or have doubts. Communication begins to suffer and intimacy seams to be a memory. TIME. Where does it go? The more oblivious of the two usually seems to be blind sided by all the changes. Then they begin to think about how their relationship has been going and it all begins to make sense. In some cases the changes could have been avoided but in others they were inevitable. I don't know where I am going with this really. Yall have caught me on one of topics that I am truly trying to make sense of myself. All I know is that my heart breaks for my very best friend and brother for they are 2 of the best people I know. Take the time and live in your present. 

I think something that we are all guilty of is assuming that we have plenty of time. We have time to fix things that are broken, mend relationships that are damaged, or just live life in general. This, however, is not the way it works. About a year ago my ex husbands grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I found out today that she fell recently and the CT scan showed that the cancer is in her bone. They also found spots on her liver indicating that the cancer is in her blood and is spreading. They gave her 6 months but we are hoping she makes it to Christmas. Time. All I want is for Lilly to be there with her memaw. I want memaw to be able to spend as much time as possible around this beautiful child full of positive energy. I want Lilly to have memories of memaw. REAL memories. Why is this just now a priority to me? I have known for over a year. Was I in denial? Did I think that we had plenty of time? Whatever it was, I was wrong. We have run out of time. Time IS a precious commodity. Time DOES fly. The time IS now and ONLY now that Lilly has time with her dying grandmother; and only TIME will tell how much time we really have.

As cliche as this may sound I will say it anyway. Live each day like you have no tomorrow. When you are with the person you love, BE with them. If you have a grandmother or grandfather who you haven't seen or spoke to in a while, call them just to say hi and that you love them. Be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live every day because you never know if you will have the time to make things better. I'm sorry if all of this didn't make sense to you but this blog is about me trying to make sense of the chaos in my mind. Welcome to my very inner thoughts. 

"Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it."

 You Can Still Wear White

Have you ever heard a song that you could swear was written about you? A song that narrates the story of your life at that moment or just hits the exact emotion you are feeling that day. Well it seems to happen to me on an everyday basis. But last week Josh told me to look up a song that was perfect for me, well more for us. So I immediately went to utube to listen to yet another song that I could some how manage to make about myself. Boy am I glad I did. The song is called "You Can Still Wear White" By: Matt Kennon. By the end I was balling. It touched me in a way that I can honestly say no other song ever has. I'm going to share the lyrics with you to better your understanding of why it made such an affect on me.

Baby why you sitting here all alone,
in the bathroom crying.
Oh girl what's wrong?
You know you can tell me anything.
Are you getting nervous, bout wearin that new ring?
Well if that ain't it, is this about your dress?
I thought we've been over this...

Chorus:
Baby you can still wear white,
no matter where you've been.
No lookin back we're startin all over again.
I want you by my side, I gotta be your man.
Your perfect in my eyes.
You can still wear white.

You and your bright eyed baby girl,
mean more than anything.
Oh you're my whole world.
I can almost see her smiling,
that little basket in her hand droppin pettles down the aisle.
And if people talk, well we'll just let them talk.
Do what you want, this is only gonna happen once.

Chorus:
Baby you can still wear white,
no matter where you've been.
No lookin back we're startin all over again.
I want you by my side, I gotta be your man.
Your perfect in my eyes.
You can still wear white.

Baby you can still wear white,
no matter where you've been.
No lookin back we're startin all over again.
I want you by my side, I gotta be your man.
Your perfect in my eyes.
You can still wear white.
Oh baby, you can still wear white

WOW

Not only does it fit my life down to my beautiful baby girl, it focuses on the fears that any woman who has a failed marriage in their past feels every day. No matter how happy you are and how much you feel that you have moved on, there is always that lingering knowledge that people are judging you. I'm not one to focus on what the general public thinks of me but I care very much about what and how the people closest to me feel. So to know that the ONE person who's thoughts and opinions count feels this way about it makes me the happiest woman in the world.

So to Josh; Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for never making me feel that I'm not good enough because of the mistakes I have made in my past. I have tears rolling down my face as I think about how God has blessed me in more ways that I could ever possibly deserve. He sent you to me when I least expected it. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Thank you again for sharing this beautiful song with me and for loving me like no one else in this world could. 

Yall have a beautiful and blessed week. If yall can be even half as happy as I am, I think your doin pretty good ;)