I am Redeemed

Alright…so blogging is hard. You know what makes it even harder? Not having the internet at home. Thank you Canton, TX for having crappy, over priced internet. Boo.

Anyway.  I have been thinking about this post for MONTHS now and have even sat down to write it twice…but TV or my husband’s sweet kisses always seemed to win out. So this is my attempt at blessing someone today.  Here goes…

I have gotten to a point where only 2 radio stations play in my car. Both Christian radio…both good for my soul. One morning while I was driving to work a song I had never heard came on called “Redeemed” by the group Big Daddy Weave. I instantly loved it. Not many songs make such a strong first impression but these lyrics stayed with me throughout my work day.  To my delight I heard the song again while I was driving home (I didn’t say the stations were much for variety) and then bought it on Itunes shortly after. $1.29 well spent.  So, please read these lyrics and let them into your heart.

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed

Pretty incredible right? Recently an old friend of mine who recently found Jesus posted on Facebook that some of her friends where giving her a hard time about her new found Faith. They were mocking her…mocking Jesus. This song instantly came to my mind and I shared it with her and blessed her with it. My goal here tonight is to encourage people to stay strong in their Faith. This is not only our battle, it’s Jesus’ as well. I think back on the person I used to be and the mistakes I have made and all I can do is thank the Lord for saving me from that life. He redeemed me through His love and mercy and I will spend all of my days trying to honor Him for this gift.  There is no sin too great to be forgiven by God. He releases you from the chains of shame and made you clean. You are redeemed through Jesus’ blood and God’s love. How cool is that? There will be people who doubt you and mock you…but do you not think that Jesus was mocked and doubted every single day He was here? We are fighting a battle that Jesus has already won. If anything…that should make it easier for us.  

 Please read these lyrics closely and if you have a spare $1.29…buy it. Trust me, it will bless you. I am lucky enough to be filled with the love of Jesus every single day …are you? 

"Jesus gave His life for our sins, just as God out Father planned, in order to rescue us from this evil world in which we live" -Galatians 1:4

It's Not Goodbye...

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget"

I am writing this post as I drive home from saying goodbye to my best friend who is about to embark on the most incredible journey of her life. Yes, I realize how dangerous this is...but i can't tell you how many posts have been lost because I thought about them while driving and by the time I got to where I could write my thoughts down...they were gone.

This post is about friendship. Not just any friendship...but the kind that touches your soul and stays with you forever. I have been lucky enough to have a friend like that. I met Buffy about 2 years ago at Dallas Baptist University, where her and Josh both went to school. Buff and I had an instant bond. She came to me at a time of cross roads in my life. I was really focusing on the kind of person God wanted me to be and the kind of friends I needed around me. I believe with every beat of my heart that God place Buffy in my life for a reason.

Let me tell you a little about Buffy. She is the most kind hearted, fun, cool, crazy, spiritually motivated person I have ever met. I had never met someone who so openly loved the Lord and wanted to share that love with every person she came in contact with. Refreshing is an understatement. She has encouraged me in every step I have taken. She has stepped up when others fell short, she has gotten through when I thought no one possibly could. The Lord speaks through her. It is a gift that she has so graciously used on me. Tonight, as we sat and talked about our lives, she looked at me and said,"what is it that I need to pray about for you?" I mean really? Just what i needed. Tears run down my face just thinking about how blessed I am to have such AMAZING friend who's heart beats for others.

I am and will be eternally grateful for Buffy Youngblood. Although my heart is hurting because i know how much I will miss her...my chest also swells with pride. I am SO proud of her for following her dream. There is no doubt in my mind that God will bless her in New York City...having His hand on her through every step of the way. I encourage you to sit back and think If you have a friend who TRULY makes you a better person...and if you don't...start praying for one. Every single person would be blessed to have a friend as beautiful as Buffy...and I can guarantee you that every one who has had the privilege of knowing her...feels the same way.

I love you, Buff.

The Bold and The Beautiful 

To lead this off…I’m oober frustrated. So I wrote a great post a few days after Mother’s Day but have just been too busy to finish and post it. When I went to go look for it tonight, it’s nowhere to be found of this computer. CRAP. I would like to say I could just rewrite it and share but to be honest, so much as happened since then I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Ooooh well. I’m going to go ahead and apologize for my lack of posts once again but I changed jobs and seeing we don’t have internet at our place (someone please bring reasonably priced high speed internet to Canton) I haven’t really had the opportunity.

 I’m going to use this post to play a little catch up. As I previously mentioned…I GOT A NEW JOB!!! Leaving where I was and my patient, Zach, was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made. I loved Zach like he was my own and he will always hold a very special place in my heart.

 

 Buuuut leaving there means being home EVERY NIGHT! I’ve been at my new job for three weeks now and I come home every night with my brain so overloaded I sometimes worry I will not be able to learn any more but I get to crawl in bed with my sweet husband and all the stress and headaches disappear. It gets easier every day and I know I will LOVE it once I get the hang of everything :)

So my mom and I have kind of made a tradition of going to Boulder every Memorial Day to see my brother and run the Bolder Boulder. This year we decided to expand the group and my Aunt Teri, my mom’s friend Amy and my friend, Jasie, joined us. I’m just going to go ahead a say that Colorado is one of my favorite places in the world. The weather, the people, the mountains…I just can’t get enough. We hiked up one of the flat irons in Boulder, which was absolutely amazing. 

 

 

 

 We visited the local pubs and festivals and took in some awesome Blue Grass music.

 And then we proceeded to dress up like complete idiots and run in this blast of a 10K! The pictures really just speak for themselves. SO MUCH FUN!

 

 

 Oh Oh Oh…Lilly lost her front tooth. PRESH. 

Josh and I are still adjusting to our new routine but we are loving all the time we are getting to spend together. No news on the baby front yet…but you better believe we are trying ;) I believe that will catch you up for now…so until next time!

Kayleigh

Judgement Day

Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize and judge each other, than you are criticizing God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you.  God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor? -James  4:11-12

Every single day is a challenge. I challenge myself to be a good wife, a good mother, but most of all a faithful woman of God. Today…that was challenged. For those of you who know me personally, you know that I have come a long way in the last 4 years. I have gained and lost. I have suffered and flourished. I have soared and been set back. But at the end of the day I am proud of who I am and what I have become…and I know that God is too.

Months ago I went to a friend of mine who is a very talented photographer to do a boudoir shoot as a gift for my husband. I had done a lot of research on different photographer’s websites to find exactly what I was looking for. Sexy, playful, but above all else, tasteful. The shoot was a blast and I was thrilled with the outcome. My husband loved the gift and I would recommend any wife to consider doing this for their husbands. Today my friend asked me if it would be alright for her to put some of my pictures on her website to help grow her business. Her being as talented as she is, and such a wonderful friend, I had no problem giving her the rights to my pictures. I did however instruct her to be selective on which pictures she chose because some were very clearly only meant for my husband’s eyes.  

Being from the conservative, small town that I am, I knew that there would be people who would not approve of these pictures. I was prepared for that. What I was not prepared for was for my character to come into question. I recently posted a picture of the book I am currently reading entitled “Soul Detox” and the exact words from this person were, “It’s shocking for someone who is trying to detox their soul.”  I had no words. I couldn’t understand how me having pictures made for my HUSBAND turned into my faith being questioned. She then went on to say how I post a blog about being Christian but then post inappropriate pictures for the world to see and that I am not setting an example for young girls.  OK…I’m just going to go ahead and say I am sorry to anybody who was offended by the pictures. But what it comes down to is that these pictures were not put on a personal  site but a photography site. A site that woman will go to while doing research similar to the research I did and say, “Wow, those are exactly what I am wanting to do for my husband!” I also would never encourage young woman to take pictures like this. This was a gift from a wife to her husband. My friend has already gotten many inquires about boudoir shoots since she put up the shoot we did together. I am so happy that I will have some small part in helping her business grow. 

I, not for one second, will pretend that I am perfect in my walk with the Lord. Nobody is. But I have consciously made choices to better my relationship with the Lord and live a Godly life. For someone to bring that into question is hard for me to swallow.  I do not feel like I am being a hypocrite by openly talking about my faith and sharing the Word by allowing these pictures to be posted.  I stand by my decision of helping a friend. I am ok with it, my husband is ok with it, and I know my Lord is ok with it.

 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:12

The person that this involved and I have talked and have no bad blood.  Everything I have said on here I have also said to them…so I am not speaking ill of anyone behind their back.

 I will leave you with this. If you don’t know someone, do not judge them. Trust me, it is something that I work on every day because old habits die hard; I am by no means perfect. You don’t know why they make the choices they do and frankly, it’s none of your business.  You are entitled to your own opinions, but keep them to yourself. Slander is very hurtful.

I hate that my first post in over a month is something as negative as this, but like I have explained many times, this blog is my outlet. My next post will be much more upbeat…and I promise is won’t be another month before it is posted.

Until next time…

Love through the Eyes of a Five Year Old

“Love is when you like someone a whole whole whole lot and they are nice to you.”

                                                -Lilly Kai

So as most of you know, I have a pretty incredible 5 year old daughter, named Lilly.

 

  My conversations with Lilly are one of my favorite things in life. Her spirit is magical, her heart is kind, and her innocence is just plain awesome. One of her favorite places to talk to me is oddly enough…when I’m in the shower. She will just sit on the bathroom floor and poor her little heart out. Odd? Yes. Precious? Absolutely :) So tonight in typical Lilly fashion, she pops a squat on the floor while I’m getting ready for work. Out of nowhere, she says, “I love you, Mommy.” As any parent out there can tell you, those are the best “I love yous.” Unprovoked, straight from the heart, I love yous. My response of course was, “I love you too baby girl” and then I began to think about what she really thought love was. So our conversation went something like this…

Me: Lilly, what do you think love means?

Lilly: Love means that you like someone a whole whole whole lot and they are nice to you.

Me: Okay, that makes sense. Can you tell me why you love mommy?

Lilly: Because you cook dinner

Me: What about Joshy?

Lilly: Because he plays with me….oh! oh! And he takes me fishing.

Me: Mia?

Lilly: She lets me spend the night at her house on school nights

Me: Papaw?

Lilly: He has lunch with me at school eeeevery Thursday

Me: What about Grams and Grumps?

Lilly: Well, Grams lets me sleep with her when I spend the night there which I love and Grumps takes me fishing in the spring time.

Me: Meagan?

Lilly: She lets me hold Carter, duh

Me: oh yeah duh, mommy. Why do you love baby Carter?

Lilly: Because he’s sooo cute

Me: Bebo?

Lilly: She gives me honey buns

Me: Ok…what about Aunt Sydney and Bubby? (my favorites)

Lilly: I love Sydney because she loves me back and I love Bubby because he lets me touch his ears.

Me: Well those are all great reasons to love someone.

Lilly: Oh! Oh! I forgot about Jesus. I love Jesus in my heart way way way more than everybody.

Me: Well that’s great baby! We should love Jesus more than anybody else! Ok last question. When you are just sitting there and out of nowhere say, “I love you, Mommy” what makes you want to say that?

Lilly (without a trace of a smile on her face): God tells me in my heart to tell you that I love you.

So there it is. Love through the eyes of a five year old.  When you think about all the different ways you can love and have loved, do you think about the way you loved as a child? Before romance and heartbreak and the world turned your innocent little heart into a cynical one? I hope that you can read this and really think about how simple love can be. My daughter loves me because I cook dinner. You know what? I’ll take it. Love the person at the grocery store who helps you get something off the top shelf when you can’t reach it. Love your neighbor for pulling your trashcans off the curb for you. Love others simply because they love you. Love doesn’t have to be this grand gesture. Stop over romanticizing it and fill your life with as much love as possible. View love as my precious 5 years old does. 

Love simply…to love.

Healing

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” –Jeremiah 29:11

This scripture, among many others, has gotten me through the last 3 weeks. This is the scripture that I repeated over and over in my head the day we found out we lost the baby. I quickly stopped trying to make sense of it all because I knew I never would. Have you ever felt a feeling of complete hopelessness? A feeling of desperation and heartache? That was me…in that moment. So what did I do? I Prayed.

Dear Lord,

Please help me understand Your purpose for this loss. Please help me not question Your plan for our family. I love you, Lord, and know that You are here in this room with us. Hold us tight and heal our hearts. I know without a doubt You will lead us through this. I lay this burden in Your hands…and for that I thank you.

Amen

We made it though that day. We made it through the next…and the next. The amount of support we received was overwhelming. The love that we felt around us is indescribably. Throughout those days my body was healing but my heart was hurting. I continued to plead to God begging Him to help me understand. How could one day I wake up pregnant and go to sleep not pregnant? What is Your purpose for this, Lord? And then I found my answer.

 I received an abundance of messages from people from all walks of my life saying the sweetest things. So many of them had gone through similar if not the same thing I was going through. Their words were healing. Then I received a message from an old friend telling me that she, just the month before, had had a miscarriage. She went on to tell me that she had been struggling with depression from her experience but reading my posts were really helping her get through. She realized that God had a different plan and she was beginning to understand that. After I read that I just fell to my knees and wept. I began to pray trying to make sense of everything. I wanted to know why I didn’t feel the kind of depression that my friend was experiencing. Sad, yes. Heartbroken, yes. Depressed, no. Was it because I wasn’t as excited about the pregnancy as I thought? Did I not love this baby enough? At that moment I felt the Holy Spirit all around me. No, Kayleigh, it isn’t that at all. I realized that the reason I didn’t feel that crippling depression is because as the very moment that I was given the news that turned my world upside down…I handed it over to the Lord. 

“I lay this burden in Your hands…and for that I thank you.”

The Lord took my burden and made it His own, allowing me to move forward with my life in the most positive way I could. Instead of me hurting and grieving, I was able to help someone who was in the same place I was. My love and faith in the Lord helped 1 person, 1 person’s struggle easier. That, I believe, is the answer I was looking for. 

I will continue to help woman who go through this heartbreaking experience in any way I can. But know that through this, I feel more loved by the Lord than I ever have. I am so abundantly grateful for His love and Mercy. So remember, when things get tough, when they get to a place where you don’t think you can go on, place your burdens in His hands. The peace you will feel in a feeling like none other in the world. It’s supernatural :)

To everybody who wrote me and message with words of encouragement, I will be forever grateful. I love each and every one of you and hope to be there for you one day as you were there for me.

God Bless each and every one of you!

Kay

Sabbatical Smatical

Wow. I can't believe that it has been over a year since I have last blogged. For someone who uses writing as an outlet...you would think I would keep up with this better. But life happens and time slips away.  I'll recap a bit on what my blog is about real fast so you know what to expect :) This blog is simply my thoughts written down. I'm not writing about clothes or food or really anything of any substance...so I am and will not be surprised if I dont have a huge following. My whole life I have used writing as a source of relief. If I am unable to make sense of something...I get out a pen and paper (or laptop) and just write. I can close my eyes and just pour my heart out and discover things that I otherwise never would have known I even felt. I am blessed to have such an outlet. 

Anyway

SOOO much has happened since last January. I wont go into great detail on anything otherwise this post would be outrageously long and I would lose the few followers I DO have (you're welcome) As y'all know I got engaged in December of 2010 to the love of my life, Josh. He proposed to me at the finish line of my first half marathon and it couldn't have been any more perfect. We had originally planned on a fall wedding but moved it up to August. I just couldn't wait to lock him down ;) We had the wedding of my dreams. I will have a post later on just on the wedding...because it deserves one all it's own! Josh and I had a wonderful honeymoon in Antigua full of romance and love. We were happy to get home and settle into our new life as a family.

 

Our New Journey

 

After we returned from our honeymoon I received my acceptance letter to Christ for the Nations, a bible college her in Dallas. I couldnt have been more thrilled! I had prayed and prayed and truly felt that this is what God was calling me to do. I was so excited to grow in my faith at such an amazing place! Once again, I wont go into too much detail, but it was a life changing experience and am so blessed to be a part of such an amazing school! Right before my second semester started we got the most exciting news of our life. We were pregnant :) I decided to hold off on CFNI and go back to working my second job to save for our new miracle. 

Waking up our Faith

On the morning of February 23rd, we went in to see our doctor to get our first sonogram. I'm pretty sure I had never been more excited about anything in my life. I couldn't wait to see our sweet baby. Then our would was turned upside down. During the sonogram the doctor descovered that I had an eptopic pregnancy and I needed to have surgery immediately. Before I had time to fully process what was going on...I was being prepped for surgery. Needless to say that day was filled with a lot of tears and even more prayer. I, not for ONE SECOND, questioned what God was doing in our life. I have faith in His plan and I believe that it just wasn't our time. But our faith was reaffirmed and I have never leaned on God more. I will blog more about this later. I have a lot to say. 

Okay, okay...that will be it for now. You are for the most part up to speed on where we are in life. From here on out is where it will get good, I promise :) I am excited to be back and I hope that my words will help someone in a similar situation find some understanding. If I can make a difference in just ONE persons life...I will be happy :) As you know...comments are welcome. I LOVE hearing what yall have to say  :)

Till next time...

Kayleigh