Time
Time is a precious commodity. Time flies. The time is now. Only time will tell.
We all know these sayings about time. We have more than likely been hearing them our whole lives. But the more I think about all these expressions, the more the concept of time makes me feel sick to my stomach. Is that strange? Recently I have seen how truly scary time is. I am guilty of focusing on the future probably more than I should. When will Josh be done with school? When will we be comfortable enough to have more children? When will I be able to buy a house? When this and when that. So what is my sudden realization you might ask? WHO FREAKIN CARES.
As I write this blog I have the urge to throw up. You know that tight feeling in your chest and the lingering tickle at the bottom of your throat? Yeah, it's all there. I'm not for sure where this sudden anxiety of time came from. Actually no I take that back. In the last month I have had not only one but two of the closest people in my world relationships end. I'm talking one marriage and one soon to be proposal....VERY invested relationships. It terrifies me to think that they were happy...then they weren't. (Now come the tears) You live your life every day planning for your future together and somewhere in all the planning you forget to live in the present. Then one person begins to stray or have doubts. Communication begins to suffer and intimacy seams to be a memory. TIME. Where does it go? The more oblivious of the two usually seems to be blind sided by all the changes. Then they begin to think about how their relationship has been going and it all begins to make sense. In some cases the changes could have been avoided but in others they were inevitable. I don't know where I am going with this really. Yall have caught me on one of topics that I am truly trying to make sense of myself. All I know is that my heart breaks for my very best friend and brother for they are 2 of the best people I know. Take the time and live in your present.
I think something that we are all guilty of is assuming that we have plenty of time. We have time to fix things that are broken, mend relationships that are damaged, or just live life in general. This, however, is not the way it works. About a year ago my ex husbands grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I found out today that she fell recently and the CT scan showed that the cancer is in her bone. They also found spots on her liver indicating that the cancer is in her blood and is spreading. They gave her 6 months but we are hoping she makes it to Christmas. Time. All I want is for Lilly to be there with her memaw. I want memaw to be able to spend as much time as possible around this beautiful child full of positive energy. I want Lilly to have memories of memaw. REAL memories. Why is this just now a priority to me? I have known for over a year. Was I in denial? Did I think that we had plenty of time? Whatever it was, I was wrong. We have run out of time. Time IS a precious commodity. Time DOES fly. The time IS now and ONLY now that Lilly has time with her dying grandmother; and only TIME will tell how much time we really have.
As cliche as this may sound I will say it anyway. Live each day like you have no tomorrow. When you are with the person you love, BE with them. If you have a grandmother or grandfather who you haven't seen or spoke to in a while, call them just to say hi and that you love them. Be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live every day because you never know if you will have the time to make things better. I'm sorry if all of this didn't make sense to you but this blog is about me trying to make sense of the chaos in my mind. Welcome to my very inner thoughts.
"Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it."
Man, you should post a journal or a diary and published it as a book as your side job. I think your writing is incredible. Love ya!!
ReplyDeleteKayleigh, I think that everyone begins thinking and feeling that the inevitability of time passing is overwhelming them. Houses, cars, careers, kids etc... They will always be on your mind every step you take. I think the secret is to look forward but don't forget to make the best of what you are going through. Don't sacrifice happiness because you aren't where you want to be yet. Everyone makes the climb from A to B. What you want is to remember back and enjoy the rent house, school, part time job, shitty car, or whatever it might be. Just make sure not to keep everything to yourself. It is much easier when the both of you know the other's concerns and expectations. It's scary to think about all of the failed relationships. They are hard and truth be told, sometimes they suck. But, you have to have both fully committed to never bail even when you want to kill them. Be 100% up front and never let anything fester. Little problems become big problems if you don't address them.
ReplyDeleteThe good thing is you are coming to this conclusion and you are young. You're not coming to these realizations at 50 after your kids are grown.
Hope this helps you a little. And if it does, Velcome!!!