Past.Present.Future

So I have been thinking recently how our lives are shaped and configured into the way we live on a day to day basis. We, or at least I, spend a great deal of time trying to forget about our pasts. Although my past has many great memories, the things that always seem to stick with me are the not so great ones. Now a days, our pasts are no longer able to be buried in the back of our closets along side the feelings be stored there many years ago. They are brought to our attention front and center thanks to the continual advancement of technology. Facebook, you suck. Those of you who know me, I know you must be gasping with what seems to be blasphemy coming from someone like me. Setting aside my what I have concluded is an addiction, Facebook is a bittersweet thing for me. It keeps me updated on my family and friends that I otherwise would have lost contact with years ago; but at the same time keeps people I would love to forget a part of my life as well. Going back to what I said at the beginning of this unintentional rant on Facebook, I have been thinking about my past and how it has effected my present and my future.

Past.

I have had 4 significant relationships in my life ranging from the ages of 16 to 23. In only 6 years I have managed to commit myself to 4 different men all in different ways. It's exhausting to think about.  Looking back at my experiences I cringe at some thoughts, laugh at others, and am grateful for many.

Relationship number 1: The Jail Bird

Oh where to begin with this one. Brandon is the type of guy that makes me terrified for Lilly to grow up. My relationship with Brandon consumed my life from the ages of 16 to 18 and in those 2 years I would have done anything for him.  Bad News. I lost countless friends, destroyed my relationship with my parents, got arrested..twice, and got kicked out of my house. Go me. Our relationship was full of lies and deceit and was incredibly unhealthy. I will not say for one minute that I wasn't very much in love with Brandon but I will say that the love that I had for him was very juvenile, which is okay. Everybody has that one person that began their journey with love. Mine just so happened to be a criminal. Thanks to the wonderful world of Facebook, I found out recently that Brandon has been sentenced to 8 years in jail for countless offenses.

                                                          Dodged a bullet with that one.

Relationship number 2: The Boy Blunder

Ugh. The Boy Blunder is non other than my ex-husband, Todd. I met Todd when I was 18 and still in high school. I was working at Chili's when I got to know one of my older, funny, charming co-workers. The beginning of my demise. Remember, I was 18...18. I was not looking for a life partner. I wasn't wanting to settle down. I had achieved what I had worked for my whole life with a college scholarship to play basketball. I was right where I wanted to be. Then my 18 year old self  who had no concept of long term consequences got myself pregnant. Goodbye childhood, goodbye scholarship, goodbye to the only life I had ever known. Although terrified and confused, I chose to keep the baby and build a life with Todd. I decided I didn't want to get married only because I was pregnant and wanted to wait to do it for the right reasons. We waited to get married when Lilly was 18 months old. I tried my best to love Todd the way I was supposed to, but I never truly loved him the way a wife should love a husband. Our non Christian marriage was full of resentment and anger which led to lies and unthinkable heartache. For the sake of my daughter and my sanity, leaving Todd was the best decision I have ever made.

Relationship number 3: The Protocol Son

After Todd and I separated I was in a very bad place. Alcohol was my comfort and going out was my distraction. Any night that Lilly was with Todd I was out with my friends fulfilling the college stage I felt I had been robbed of. Then came Joshua. Joshua was the little brother of one of my good friends at the time. He was far from my type and honestly began with a pity date. That changed very quickly. I was not attending church and I had little to no relationship with God. After much persuasion Joshua convinced me to go to church with him. LifeChurch.tv changed my life. Although I began going back to church for a man, I found the Lord all over again. To Joshua, I will be eternally grateful. As I grew in my relationship with the Lord my relationship with Joshua struggled. Every single day he made me feel as if I wasn't good enough and he held my past over my head constantly. Through all this I stayed with him and continued to let him hurt me. I beleive it was my bad karma. Joshua ended things and broke my heart for the first time ever. Through God and His gracious love my heart healed with time. Once again, thanks to Facebook, I know that Joshua is now engaged to be married. I wish him the best and all the happiness in the world.

Present.

Relationship number 4: The man God made for me

A leap of faith can sure go a long way. On April 24, 2009 I decided to drive to a different state in hopes that my gut feeling was right about the man I had gotten to know all over again on non other than...Facebook :) It was not only what I had hoped but more than I could have ever imagined. Josh loves me for everything I am and everything I'm not. He loves that I am clumsy and that I cant cook. He loves that I have a past and have made mistakes. He loves my baby girl almost as much as he loves me. We grow every day together in love and the Lord. I know that I went through all of the hard times to lead my to where I am now. I am with a man who loves me as much as I love him.

                                       He is the man I will spend the rest of my life with.

Future.

Looking back at my past isn't always fun. Actually, I try to avoid thinking about it as much as I possibly can. What I can say is that I have taken something for each of my relationships and applied them to the only one that matters. I credit them, along with myself, for how happy I am in my relationship now. My future with Josh gets brighter every day. I have never been in a relationship that I haven't doubted in one way or another until now. Ours is far from perfect but I have never wanted to work for something as much as this. So here's to my dark past for making my future so incredible bright.

Insecurity

I consider myself a strong woman. I feel like I have faced the challenges in my life head on and came out on top. I am happy with my life and the people in it and I know God is very much present in my every day life. Now that I have said that, I also continue to face what some may see as small challenges but I consider very trying. Insecurity has been a struggle of mine for longer than I care to admit. Looking back at my childhood and adolescence I was abnormally secure. But as I have gotten older the more insecure I have become. It's as if I am moving in reverse.

I think back to 2 years ago when my marriage was at it's worse. I have come to the conclusion that this is when my insecurity problems surfaced. I was with a man who never made me feel appreciated and always made me feel like I was wrong. I became a mother at 19, never having the chance to find who I was. While other people my age were in their first year of college and having wild adventures, I had a newborn. My insecurities and self doubt reflected strongly in my marriage and I made plenty of mistakes. A lot had to do with my age and circumstance but the biggest mistakes I made had everything to do with my insecurities. although divorce is not in God's plan I am thankful to Him everyday for allowing me to get out of a poisonous marriage that showed Him no praise.

Since then I have recommitted my life to the Lord and truly feel like I am living out His plan. I put all of my faith into Him and I know I am never alone. I have been blessed with a wonderful man who makes me feel more loved than I ever have. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't tell me how beautiful I am or how much he loves me. So why is it that my insecurities are still very much present? Is it just a natural thing? I question my relationships which in the end make me question myself. I compare myself to others which makes me question if I chose the right path in life. I look at my beautiful baby girl and hate myself for ever thinking about if things would have been different when I was 18. But how do I stop myself from thinking that way? I know how blessed I am. I know that I have beat the odds being a single mother and getting through school to have a career. But in the back of my mind I know I have missed out on so much.

I'm hoping with age I will continue to come into my own and know that choices I have made have been for the best. I will do whatever it takes to keep my family happy. I will continue to pray and let God lead me.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians 4: 31-32

 Full Time Mommy

I'm sitting her watching my beautiful 3 year old daughter play on the playground. Although she is playing all by her self, the look on her face when she gets a new idea or finds something new to play with is priceless. I could just sit and watch her for hours...I cherish every second I spend with her.

So today I realized something. My whole life I have worked. Even on our summer breaks our dad had my brother and I create and run our own businesses. My brother had Kyle's Kuts where he obviously mowed people's yards and I had Sweettie Do's where I did odd jobs for our neighbors(watered their plants, cleaned out out their garges, fed their pets while the were away). I got my first real job when I was fourteen and have worked ever since even with athletics through high school.

I never have had any intentions of being a stay at home mom...I always thought I would go nuts.I still think that I wouldn't be able to be a full time mom but the thought of being home with Lilly and my future children sounds so much more appealing to me than working 45 hour work weeks. I know I don't have that option now for I am the other source of income for myself and Lilly...but I am seriously considering once I get married to only work part time. The good thing about being a nurse is I can work part time and still make really good money. I could help with the income for my family but still be there to take care of my children and husband. Who knows what will happen...this is just what has been on my mind all day.

We are waiting for Josh to get home from practice. He hurt his leg yesterday but thank the Lord it wasn't too serious. He had xrays but there were no breaks. He will still be able to play this season. Lilly and I have really enjoyed our time here and I'm dreading going home but duty calls and I have to work tomorrow. Hopefully the time will go quickly until the next time we see him :)

Yall have a great day. God Bless you all.

Kay

A Heavy Heart

Putting into words how you feel is the hardest challenge that anyone will face. The way I love him is indescribable. I think about him every second of every day. I hear a song and my heart physically aches. People say that love is really all in your head; that your heart has nothing to do with love, medically that is. So tell me how it is possible for my heart to physically ache from loving him so much? How can the mear thought of him and out life together put the biggest smile on my face that when people see me they think, "Wow, that girl is in love." I have always been the kind of person that doesn't let people in easily. A wall has always stayed up around my heart for protection. I have loved and lost in the most tremendous ways and I'm all too familiar with heartache and anguish. So how is it the he came into my life so unexpectedly and tore down my walls with no hesitation? No questions, no second guessing, no looking back. He looks at me like he has loved me forever. Like he WILL love me forever. We see so many things the same way and are headed down the path to greatness. We are on the same page in the same book. We know that even though we are apart in distance, our hearts are always together. Heart to heart; always and forever.

I know how blessed I am. Every day I thank the Lord for what he has done for me. This time last year I never imagined being where I am today. I was so lost. I don't even recognize that person anymore. I had the mentality of "anything goes when everything's gone." Lilly was my rock at that point but I knew that I had a lot of changes to make in my life and I couldn't do it alone. The moment that I decided to recommit my life to Christ is a moment that I will remember for the rest of my life. He lifted all of the pain, guilt, and self pity out of me. I moved forward from that day ready to be a fully devoted follower of Christ. I am so grateful for Craig Grochel and LifeChurch.TV. Without them I don't believe I would have found my way back to the path I desperately needed to be on.

In the past 10 months more life changing events have taken place than in my whole life. These are the types of events that changed my soul. In October of last year I lost my best friend in the whole world to no ones fault but my own. I made unimaginable mistakes that I live with everyday. In November I experienced something that I wouldn't wish upon anyone in this world and I didn't have my best friend there to confide in. While all this was going on my boyfriend and I were struggling and everyday he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. If any of yall have ever been made to feel that way I am so sorry. It is the worst feeling in the world.

By January I had reached a depression. I prayed every day for God to guide me through the trying times. Although there were some days that I questioned if God was hearing my cries...I knew he would come through. In February I finished nursing school which was the biggest accomplishment of my life to date. Especially considering I went through a divorce and became a single mom in the middle of the program. I had decided at that point the only man I needed in my life was God. I needed to focus on my relationship with him and no one else. Even though I had my hard moments, the days of crying every day were behind me.

In April I reconnected with a friend from high school on face book. yes...face book. We instantly had a connection and it didn't take long for me to make a trip from Oklahoma down to Dallas to see him. That weekend was one of the best of my life. Josh and I have been together ever since. He is the most amazing man I have ever known. He is not only good to me, he loves Lilly with his whole heart and there is nothing more I could ask for. How did I get so incredibly lucky? I have been through so much and came out on top. I never thought it would happen. God is so truly amazing it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. He held my hand when I felt I was all alone in this world. He helped me heal in time through his love. I truly believe that you do not know what love is until you are in love with the Lord. God IS love. I know know what it is to love someone with you whole heart and I look forward to sharing my love with Josh for the rest of my life. People say that they are looking for "the one"...not me...I have already for his. Jesus is "the one" for me. The Bible says that God should be your number one, your spouse your number two and your children your number three. I have found all three.

Now that you are caught up on my life...I will try to keep up as much as I possibly can.

God Bless You All,

Kayleigh