Insecurity

I consider myself a strong woman. I feel like I have faced the challenges in my life head on and came out on top. I am happy with my life and the people in it and I know God is very much present in my every day life. Now that I have said that, I also continue to face what some may see as small challenges but I consider very trying. Insecurity has been a struggle of mine for longer than I care to admit. Looking back at my childhood and adolescence I was abnormally secure. But as I have gotten older the more insecure I have become. It's as if I am moving in reverse.

I think back to 2 years ago when my marriage was at it's worse. I have come to the conclusion that this is when my insecurity problems surfaced. I was with a man who never made me feel appreciated and always made me feel like I was wrong. I became a mother at 19, never having the chance to find who I was. While other people my age were in their first year of college and having wild adventures, I had a newborn. My insecurities and self doubt reflected strongly in my marriage and I made plenty of mistakes. A lot had to do with my age and circumstance but the biggest mistakes I made had everything to do with my insecurities. although divorce is not in God's plan I am thankful to Him everyday for allowing me to get out of a poisonous marriage that showed Him no praise.

Since then I have recommitted my life to the Lord and truly feel like I am living out His plan. I put all of my faith into Him and I know I am never alone. I have been blessed with a wonderful man who makes me feel more loved than I ever have. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't tell me how beautiful I am or how much he loves me. So why is it that my insecurities are still very much present? Is it just a natural thing? I question my relationships which in the end make me question myself. I compare myself to others which makes me question if I chose the right path in life. I look at my beautiful baby girl and hate myself for ever thinking about if things would have been different when I was 18. But how do I stop myself from thinking that way? I know how blessed I am. I know that I have beat the odds being a single mother and getting through school to have a career. But in the back of my mind I know I have missed out on so much.

I'm hoping with age I will continue to come into my own and know that choices I have made have been for the best. I will do whatever it takes to keep my family happy. I will continue to pray and let God lead me.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians 4: 31-32