Past.Present.Future

So I have been thinking recently how our lives are shaped and configured into the way we live on a day to day basis. We, or at least I, spend a great deal of time trying to forget about our pasts. Although my past has many great memories, the things that always seem to stick with me are the not so great ones. Now a days, our pasts are no longer able to be buried in the back of our closets along side the feelings be stored there many years ago. They are brought to our attention front and center thanks to the continual advancement of technology. Facebook, you suck. Those of you who know me, I know you must be gasping with what seems to be blasphemy coming from someone like me. Setting aside my what I have concluded is an addiction, Facebook is a bittersweet thing for me. It keeps me updated on my family and friends that I otherwise would have lost contact with years ago; but at the same time keeps people I would love to forget a part of my life as well. Going back to what I said at the beginning of this unintentional rant on Facebook, I have been thinking about my past and how it has effected my present and my future.

Past.

I have had 4 significant relationships in my life ranging from the ages of 16 to 23. In only 6 years I have managed to commit myself to 4 different men all in different ways. It's exhausting to think about.  Looking back at my experiences I cringe at some thoughts, laugh at others, and am grateful for many.

Relationship number 1: The Jail Bird

Oh where to begin with this one. Brandon is the type of guy that makes me terrified for Lilly to grow up. My relationship with Brandon consumed my life from the ages of 16 to 18 and in those 2 years I would have done anything for him.  Bad News. I lost countless friends, destroyed my relationship with my parents, got arrested..twice, and got kicked out of my house. Go me. Our relationship was full of lies and deceit and was incredibly unhealthy. I will not say for one minute that I wasn't very much in love with Brandon but I will say that the love that I had for him was very juvenile, which is okay. Everybody has that one person that began their journey with love. Mine just so happened to be a criminal. Thanks to the wonderful world of Facebook, I found out recently that Brandon has been sentenced to 8 years in jail for countless offenses.

                                                          Dodged a bullet with that one.

Relationship number 2: The Boy Blunder

Ugh. The Boy Blunder is non other than my ex-husband, Todd. I met Todd when I was 18 and still in high school. I was working at Chili's when I got to know one of my older, funny, charming co-workers. The beginning of my demise. Remember, I was 18...18. I was not looking for a life partner. I wasn't wanting to settle down. I had achieved what I had worked for my whole life with a college scholarship to play basketball. I was right where I wanted to be. Then my 18 year old self  who had no concept of long term consequences got myself pregnant. Goodbye childhood, goodbye scholarship, goodbye to the only life I had ever known. Although terrified and confused, I chose to keep the baby and build a life with Todd. I decided I didn't want to get married only because I was pregnant and wanted to wait to do it for the right reasons. We waited to get married when Lilly was 18 months old. I tried my best to love Todd the way I was supposed to, but I never truly loved him the way a wife should love a husband. Our non Christian marriage was full of resentment and anger which led to lies and unthinkable heartache. For the sake of my daughter and my sanity, leaving Todd was the best decision I have ever made.

Relationship number 3: The Protocol Son

After Todd and I separated I was in a very bad place. Alcohol was my comfort and going out was my distraction. Any night that Lilly was with Todd I was out with my friends fulfilling the college stage I felt I had been robbed of. Then came Joshua. Joshua was the little brother of one of my good friends at the time. He was far from my type and honestly began with a pity date. That changed very quickly. I was not attending church and I had little to no relationship with God. After much persuasion Joshua convinced me to go to church with him. LifeChurch.tv changed my life. Although I began going back to church for a man, I found the Lord all over again. To Joshua, I will be eternally grateful. As I grew in my relationship with the Lord my relationship with Joshua struggled. Every single day he made me feel as if I wasn't good enough and he held my past over my head constantly. Through all this I stayed with him and continued to let him hurt me. I beleive it was my bad karma. Joshua ended things and broke my heart for the first time ever. Through God and His gracious love my heart healed with time. Once again, thanks to Facebook, I know that Joshua is now engaged to be married. I wish him the best and all the happiness in the world.

Present.

Relationship number 4: The man God made for me

A leap of faith can sure go a long way. On April 24, 2009 I decided to drive to a different state in hopes that my gut feeling was right about the man I had gotten to know all over again on non other than...Facebook :) It was not only what I had hoped but more than I could have ever imagined. Josh loves me for everything I am and everything I'm not. He loves that I am clumsy and that I cant cook. He loves that I have a past and have made mistakes. He loves my baby girl almost as much as he loves me. We grow every day together in love and the Lord. I know that I went through all of the hard times to lead my to where I am now. I am with a man who loves me as much as I love him.

                                       He is the man I will spend the rest of my life with.

Future.

Looking back at my past isn't always fun. Actually, I try to avoid thinking about it as much as I possibly can. What I can say is that I have taken something for each of my relationships and applied them to the only one that matters. I credit them, along with myself, for how happy I am in my relationship now. My future with Josh gets brighter every day. I have never been in a relationship that I haven't doubted in one way or another until now. Ours is far from perfect but I have never wanted to work for something as much as this. So here's to my dark past for making my future so incredible bright.