Dreams

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe."

Oh the dreams I have had in my life. To be a doctor, to be in the WNBA, to marry Justin Timberlake... Yes I know that there are some dreams that are unrealistic but I stand strong in saying that if Justin Timberlake were to meet me he would fall madly in love and want to spend the rest of his beautiful life with me :)

Anyway...

Throughout the course of this crazy thing we call life, our dreams change, along with so many other aspects of our lives. Sadly, I have lost track of my dreams. I'm not even sure what they are as of now. I do know that I love my family and I want Josh, Lilly and myself to have a beautiful life together but that's where I get stuck. What next? I will look at how my dreams have evolved and maybe get some answers and go from there.

The Big Apple

When I was in high school my goal in life was to be a journalist. I loved to write. I would write whenever I could no matter what the reason. I would write short stories while I was at work or in class. I wrote for my town's newspaper whenever they gave me the chance. Besides basketball, writing was my safe place. It let me escape from reality into a world of words. When I was a senior I was blessed with a trip to New York City for my senior trip. Needless to say, I fell in love. By the end of my trip I had decided I was going to be the next Carrie Bradshaw (the Sex and The City tour we went on had much influence on this.) I was going to major in journalism while playing basketball in college. I would get as much writing experience as possible and the day after I graduated....I would be gone. I was bound and determined to live the life of a struggling writer in New York City.

I would live in a small apartment made fabulous in my own way

and I would run everyday through the beautiful Central Park.

I was going to make it happen and there is no doubt in my mind that I would have. But a struggling writers income is not what  I would call family worthy. One day though, I know I will write again.

The Dream Within Reach

Every single day I play with thoughts of my future. Although I don't seem to getting any closer to an answer, I do feel like I have an option that I could very much make a reality. My brother, Kyle, lives in Boulder, Colorado. When he graduated from college, he up and moved to Brekenridge, Colorado to be a childrens Ski Instructor. I admire him for having the correge to leave the only kind of life he has ever really known to just start a new one. A part of me has always been jealous. After a few seasons of ski instructing and his continuing job as a white water rafting guide, he lives in Boulder and has an "adult" job. He absolutely loves it there. Not too long ago Josh was doing some research and learned that the Aurora/Denver Fire Departments are in the top 10 highest paid fire departments in the country.

Hmmmmm...

Could we leave Texas for a new beginning in Colorado?

Could we wake up to this every morning?

and enjoy this beautiful town at night?

Absolutely we could. And we very well may. My brother and his girlfriend are there and will help me however I need. My family is there. A fresh start and new beginning is there. Once again...Im not any closer to a decision.

Home

Yes you are reading that right. Three thousand two hundred and ninety two people. This is the place I call home. I moved to Canton when I was 12 from Coppell. Talk about culture shock. I struggled growing up in Canton to no one’s fault but my own. I made pore decisions which led to a miserable high school experience. It is also obviously small and doesn’t offer much in terms of entertainment. No movie theater, no symphony hall, no musicals or malls.  We do have the famous Dairy Palace though...

And thank God for that.

 Despite all that, Canton is a good place. It is the kind of place I could see raising my children. I know Lilly would be happy never leaving Canton. This is where both mine and Josh's families are.  Not only do I think it is SO important for Lilly to be near our parents, I can’t imagine being that far away from my mom or baby sister. Every day we spend here, every volleyball game or pep rally I go to, every time I help Sydney with her homework it makes me want to be here. The hard times for her haven’t even begun yet. A part of me thinks I need to be here for her through high school. I don’t want to miss out on her life. Something else I think about often is having Lilly start and finish school in the same school district. I never had that opportunity. For her to graduate high school with the same kids she was in Kindergarten with would be such a neat experience.

I have so many things to consider and most days feel like I’m no closer to a solution. I just continue to pray and I know that God will lead us to where He feels is best for us. I will continue to search and peruse my dreams.

.

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5

Advice is greatly appreciated so go right ahead and share your thoughts with me. Oh and if you’re ever in my neck of the woods let me know....we will definitely make a trip to Dairy Palace :)



Family.

I have been incredibly blessed in this department. I not only have 1 father, I have 2 dads. I not only have 1 mother to turn to, but 2. I have always known that I am luckier than most but days like today make me sit down, think, and pray to out gracious Lord for allowing me to have such beautiful people in my life.

When I was 5 years old my mom met the man who changed my world. Shawn and mom dated for a measly 6 weeks before he knew he wanted to be stuck with us forever. Shawn, what were you thinking? Over the years Shawn's fuse has gotten longer, his beautiful hair has all but disappeared, and he has been a wonderful father to me. I was no easy child to raise, and being a step father to a teenage girl is no job I would ever want to have, but he faced the challenge head on and I credit a huge part of the person I am to him. I don't know where I would be without him and my mom. They are truly a God send. Although I am 99% sure that he has never read my blog and will never see this, but I still want to share with my readers what a wonderful man he is. He is a man with wonderful values and a kind heart. He will go to the ends of the earth for his family, especially his girls. My mom, myself, Sydney and Lilly are lucky to have him. He is one of the best men I know. Correction, he is the best man I know. Shawn, thank you for everything you have ever done for us. We love you more than you know.

On top of having such a wonderful step father, I have a beautiful mom who has sacrificed so much for us. I have a Daddy who will always call me his Princess and a step mom who will always be there when I feel like I cant talk to anyone else. Family. Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with these amazing people. I will never deserve them.

I will bless you with a future filled with hope- a future of success, not suffering. You will turn back to me and ask for help, and I will answer your prayers. You will worship me with your heart, and I will be with you and accept your worship. -Jeremiah 29:11-14

Mommyhood

Breakfast, clean the kitchen, hang up my shades in my bedroom (with a drill), laundry. Lunch, Lilly's nap, mow the lawn, laundry. Vacuum, fold laundry, Lilly's homework, get Lilly dressed for dance, gym. Run 3 miles at gym, Lilly's ballet, Sydney's volleyball game in Lindale. Home, laundry, shower, make bed, work.

Welcome to my life.

As I went through the steps of my day I got to thinking. Being a single mother is the hardest job a person could have. Period. I'm not saying that I don't love what I do but good gracious...I'm exhausted. I look forward to the day where every day isn't such a struggle and my teammate is here with me every day. I am so blessed to have the help of my wonderful mother along with Josh's. I know I wouldn't be able to do this without them.

Days like today are catch 22s for me. I step back and realize that I am able to do this all on my own and that is a wonderful feeling.  I am financially independent and run an efficient household. I am able to do things around the house that are usually left for the male counterpart. I bend over backwards to make sure that Lilly doesn't want for anything and 90% of the time I am successful.  But then I get to thinking about how hard every single day is for me and get that sick feeling in my stomach. I married a man that at the time was a wonderful father. I knew for sure that if things weren't to work out between him and I, he would at least be a good, PRESENT father to Lilly. What happened to that guy? Now I get the guy who doesn't answer his phone when it is his time to have her. I get the guy who makes up excuses to not talk to his baby girl. While I'm busting my butt trying to be the best mother AND father to our precious baby he is off living the single life of a 20 something year old man. You know what? WHATEVER. I am the one who gets to be a part of her life every single day. I am the one she cries for when she is sad or scared or upset. I am the one that she walks up to for no reason at all and gives a kiss and tell me she loves me. Moments like that make my days worth it. I will be exhausted for the rest of my life if it means I get to share it with her.

I have a beautiful baby girl that I am so proud of every day. She makes all this worth it.

Precious Baby

                                                 

I love her more than anything in the world

Her signiture face :)

♥

Beautiful

She got me through :)

She's turning into a beautiful little lady



The Finish Line



So it has come to my attention recently that in my life I have created a habit of not finishing or sticking with things I start. I hate to admit that, being a flaw and all, but it's true. Lets first name some of the things I have not been able to finish and or stick with. Budgets, Crest Whitening Strips (yes, 2 weeks is far too long), ANY scrap book, birth control (hence the little one), diets, consistently working out and to be honest, I'm struggling to finish this blog. Now don't get me wrong, the things I have managed to finish in my life are the big things. NURSING SCHOOL, being a good mother, and advancing my career to name a few.

So this is where I am with my realization. I need to change.

Ok, I'm 23 years old, this change isn't going to happen over night. I understand that this will take time and a lot of focus, but it WILL happen. Sadly, I will be turning 24 in December and how that happened I'm still not sure. So for my birthday, I have decided to give myself the gift of setting a goal...AND FINISHING IT. I will be running the Metro PCS Dallas White Rock 1/2 Marathon on December 5th. I don't only want to finish the whole 13.1 miles, I want to finish running the whole way.

 

As I sit here with ice on my knee and an aching back I see how quitting would be the easy thing to do. The training is going to be grueling and my body will continue to ache but I know the outcome with be well worth it. This will be me in approximately 12 weeks.

                

       

And just in case you were wondering, I will ABSOLUTELY be crossing the finish line with my arms above my head! I truly believe that this experience will be life changing for me. It is something that I am doing for myself and no one else. That, I might add, is not my forte. Now that I have shared with the world what my goal is I will hold myself even more accountable. Support is greatly appreciated and encouragement sure goes a long way.

That is all for now :)    Kayleigh