Against The Grain

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me your thoughts, O God! How vast in the sum of them!" Psalm 139:16-17

My heart has been heavy and my mind has been full. So here I am, writing to you.

Josh, Lilly and I have had the privilege of experiencing worship and praise at a different church home for the past two weeks. I have been wanting to look for a new place of worship for quit some time but have always found an excuse to stay where we were. It took the beautiful dedication ceremony of our dear friends, Josh and Alyssa's, sweet baby girl Eden to lead us to Word of Victory. For lack of better words, we have loved it. I have felt more of a connection with the music alone there than I have anywhere I have been since I have been back in Texas. Josh and I both really enjoy Pastor Mike's speaking style and I am confident if we continue to attend we will build lasting relationships with this tight knit congregation.

This past Sunday, Pastor Mike's sermon spoke to the insecure person who lives inside of me. He explained that God made each and every one of us different and unique but all for one reason and one reason alone. To glorify Him. He gave each of us gifts to use to glorify His name. God doesn't want us to spend our time wanting the gifts that other people possess but to exemplify our own. This really struck a nerve with me. I began thinking about all of the things that make me unique. They may not necessarily be gifts, but they are characteristics that make me who I am....and I am proud of who I am. If for no other reason but for me to see them written down, I am going to tell you some of the things that are unique to..well...me.

• I can never eat the last bite of my food
• I am terribly claustrophobic but LOVE the freeing feeling of roller coasters and heights
• I LOATHE the sound of people eating
• I wear different colored socks
• I cannot sleep without my body pillow
• I'm terrified of mice...and spiders...but mostly mice
• I'm messy but try oh so hard to not be
• I grew up wanting to be the next Katie Couric but I believe that taking care of sick babies is my calling

Ok, so 7 out of those 8 things aren't gifts but they are things that make me unique. God blessed me with all of the quarks...good and bad. The last one though, I do consider a gift. God has given me the gift to help children. I absolutely LOVE my job. If I can make a different in ONE child's life, the purpose I believe God has created me has been fulfilled. I will continue to do my best to glorify God through my work and my everyday life.

Do not deny who you are and do not wish to be someone else. Do not go against the grain that God created for you. He has a plan for all of us. A plan that he created before we were ever placed on this earth. Trust in Him and you WILL prosper.

Kayleigh

On a side note...

I wanted to share with you a text message that my brother sent  me earlier after our phone call got disconnected. He had called to check up on me and make sure everything was ok. Of course with me being the emotional roller coaster that I am I cried through the whole conversation, making it terribly hard for him I can imagine. Here is the message:

"I love you soooo much and am sooo excited for your wedding and your life with Josh. I am here to help you in any way you need. Let me know if I can help with anything and please know that I am so proud of you and am so happy you are marrying the man you love...i believe in yalls love and I believe in you and like you said, trust in the Lord...know your brother is here too."

I told Josh that I couldn't ask for a better brother and his response was, "...and if you did, I don't think youda gotten one."

I truly believe that God placed my brother on this earth to say the right thing at the right time. Ok, maybe he has a greater purpose...but I like to think that he was made just to be my amazing big brother. He is one of the best men I know. Ok that is all...I just wanted to share with you the love in my family.

Yall have a blessed week

Conversations

The conversation between Lilly and me as I was dropping her off at my parents before I left for work:

Lilly: Mommy, do I have school tomorrow?

Me: Yes baby

Lilly: (with a very disappointed look on her face) Well do you think I can stay home and spend time with you tomorrow instead?

Me: Well mommy has to sleep tomorrow but we will spend all afternoon together.

Lilly: OK...I love you. Have a good night at work.

Me: Love you too sweet girl. Sweet dreams.

Precious right? Well, just wait.

As I'm walking out of the room....

Lilly: (crying) Mommy please don't go. I don't want you to go to work!

Me: (tears in my eyes) Baby, I have to go to work. I will be here when you wake up in the morning.

Lilly: Please just stay. I miss you when you re gone.

Me: I miss you too and I love you so so much. I will come crawl in bed with you in the morning.

Lilly: OK...I love you Mommy.

Yes...this is my heart breaking :(

Nights like tonight are hard. Most of the time, Lilly does just fine when she knows I am going to work. But there are nights, few and far between, that she gets really upset. I try to explain to her the reasons that I have to work but I don't think that she truly understands. I know that will come with age, but what about now? I hate that she had to miss me. I hate that I have to leave her even if it is to provide a life for her.

As I was driving to work, our conversation ran through my head. The more I thought about how wonderful my beautiful baby girl is, the more I began to think about how big of a loser her father is. As my baby girl is begging me to stay home with her while I have to go work one of my TWO jobs, where is he? Oh right, he's busy avoiding my texts and phone calls trying to see if he is going to get Lilly for his scheduled time next week. Does he not know what he is missing? Does he not know how truly wonderful she is? How does he think that calling once or twice a week and seeing her every couple months for a few days is enough? I just don't understand. I mean don't get me wrong, there are time when I need a break from full time mommy hood but if I go more than two days without seeing her I am going nuts. She deserves better. I told her dad once that he needs to get his act together. That one day I am going to find a man that loves Lilly all of the time, not just when it is convenient for him. I told him that Lilly will get to an age when she will understand what is going on and will compare him to the man in my life...and he will lose.I will never say a foul word to Lilly about her father. She will figure it out on her own. I tried to give him a chance. I tried to help him be a good father. But what does he do? Nothing. Well, I have found that man. Josh loves Lilly like she is his own. He would do anything for her at any time. No matter what. Thank God for him, for Lilly's sake.

Sorry about my rant. This has just been weighing heavy on my heart for the last week. Tonight just made it that much worse. I cannot wait to get home and snuggle up with my precious baby girl.

To any fathers that might read my blog: No matter what your situation is, do everything in your power to be involved in your child's life. You chose to bring them into this world so you need to choose to be an active part of their lives. You owe it to them.

Until next time, 

Kay

Attitude

I'm sitting in the waiting room at the dr's office for my sick baby surrounded by the germs of sickly people on my day off. BOOOO. It's ok though, because today is SERIOUSLY one of the most exciting days of my life. In just a few liiiitle hours, I will be slipping on beautiful wedding gowns that I may potentinally wear on the day I get to marry my best friend in the whole world. Along with my cousin Amber, who is one of my Maids of Honor, my Aunt Terri and my mom I get to play the ultimate dress up! Yipeeee for me!

So in the last month that I have been engaged, I have experienced what I always hoped I wouldn't. I have been treated, by some, like this is my second wedding, so it shouldn't be as big of deal. At first it really bothered me. They made me feel almost guilty for being as excited as I am. I felt that because I have made mistakes in my life that I dont deserve to have the happiness that other woman get to experience during their engagment. Well ya know what? SCREW THAT. This may be my second wedding, but unlike my first wedding that I had out of obligation, I am so incredibly inlove with this man and truly cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. And since when did the wedding become just about the bride? It may be my second wedding but it is Josh's first and he deserves the best. So I'm moving forward with a new attitude. I WILL be excited about everything no matter what everybody thinks. I WILL plan the wedding of my dreams on a very limited budget. And I WILL marry the man of my dreams in front of my closest friends and family :)

MOVING ON...

Today I will be dress shopping with 3 of my favorite woman in the world. The 4 of us have many fun memories of our ventures together. Sadly, our ventures dont happen near as often but that's what having babies will do! There really arent any other people in this world that I would want to share today with. AND THEN TOMORROW! Tanna is making a quick 3 hour trip south to spend the day thrift store hopping with me. Yes you read that correctly, thrift store hopping. I will indeed be using MANY items from thrift stores for the decore of my wedding. Im sooooo super pumped! This wedding will be a DIY wedding at it's best. Full of personality and feeling, it will be an experience that I hope my guests will never forget. I am thankful to have such a beautiful best friend and maid of honor to help make all of my ideas come to life. I am blessed to have the best 2 maids of honor a girl could ask for!

So I will spend the next 11 months planning the day that starts my life as the wife of the man God put on this earth for me. I have never been more excited about anything in my whole life. Thank you Josh for making me so happy and for never making me feel like I deserve nothing less than the world. Thank you Amber and Tanna for being my best friends and supporting me through everything I have been through. Things that led me to where I am today with you two by my side. I love you both dearly.

So here's to Novemeber 11, 2011. THE DAY OUR DREAMS COME TRUE! :)