Conversations

The conversation between Lilly and me as I was dropping her off at my parents before I left for work:

Lilly: Mommy, do I have school tomorrow?

Me: Yes baby

Lilly: (with a very disappointed look on her face) Well do you think I can stay home and spend time with you tomorrow instead?

Me: Well mommy has to sleep tomorrow but we will spend all afternoon together.

Lilly: OK...I love you. Have a good night at work.

Me: Love you too sweet girl. Sweet dreams.

Precious right? Well, just wait.

As I'm walking out of the room....

Lilly: (crying) Mommy please don't go. I don't want you to go to work!

Me: (tears in my eyes) Baby, I have to go to work. I will be here when you wake up in the morning.

Lilly: Please just stay. I miss you when you re gone.

Me: I miss you too and I love you so so much. I will come crawl in bed with you in the morning.

Lilly: OK...I love you Mommy.

Yes...this is my heart breaking :(

Nights like tonight are hard. Most of the time, Lilly does just fine when she knows I am going to work. But there are nights, few and far between, that she gets really upset. I try to explain to her the reasons that I have to work but I don't think that she truly understands. I know that will come with age, but what about now? I hate that she had to miss me. I hate that I have to leave her even if it is to provide a life for her.

As I was driving to work, our conversation ran through my head. The more I thought about how wonderful my beautiful baby girl is, the more I began to think about how big of a loser her father is. As my baby girl is begging me to stay home with her while I have to go work one of my TWO jobs, where is he? Oh right, he's busy avoiding my texts and phone calls trying to see if he is going to get Lilly for his scheduled time next week. Does he not know what he is missing? Does he not know how truly wonderful she is? How does he think that calling once or twice a week and seeing her every couple months for a few days is enough? I just don't understand. I mean don't get me wrong, there are time when I need a break from full time mommy hood but if I go more than two days without seeing her I am going nuts. She deserves better. I told her dad once that he needs to get his act together. That one day I am going to find a man that loves Lilly all of the time, not just when it is convenient for him. I told him that Lilly will get to an age when she will understand what is going on and will compare him to the man in my life...and he will lose.I will never say a foul word to Lilly about her father. She will figure it out on her own. I tried to give him a chance. I tried to help him be a good father. But what does he do? Nothing. Well, I have found that man. Josh loves Lilly like she is his own. He would do anything for her at any time. No matter what. Thank God for him, for Lilly's sake.

Sorry about my rant. This has just been weighing heavy on my heart for the last week. Tonight just made it that much worse. I cannot wait to get home and snuggle up with my precious baby girl.

To any fathers that might read my blog: No matter what your situation is, do everything in your power to be involved in your child's life. You chose to bring them into this world so you need to choose to be an active part of their lives. You owe it to them.

Until next time, 

Kay