Judgement Day

Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize and judge each other, than you are criticizing God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you.  God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor? -James  4:11-12

Every single day is a challenge. I challenge myself to be a good wife, a good mother, but most of all a faithful woman of God. Today…that was challenged. For those of you who know me personally, you know that I have come a long way in the last 4 years. I have gained and lost. I have suffered and flourished. I have soared and been set back. But at the end of the day I am proud of who I am and what I have become…and I know that God is too.

Months ago I went to a friend of mine who is a very talented photographer to do a boudoir shoot as a gift for my husband. I had done a lot of research on different photographer’s websites to find exactly what I was looking for. Sexy, playful, but above all else, tasteful. The shoot was a blast and I was thrilled with the outcome. My husband loved the gift and I would recommend any wife to consider doing this for their husbands. Today my friend asked me if it would be alright for her to put some of my pictures on her website to help grow her business. Her being as talented as she is, and such a wonderful friend, I had no problem giving her the rights to my pictures. I did however instruct her to be selective on which pictures she chose because some were very clearly only meant for my husband’s eyes.  

Being from the conservative, small town that I am, I knew that there would be people who would not approve of these pictures. I was prepared for that. What I was not prepared for was for my character to come into question. I recently posted a picture of the book I am currently reading entitled “Soul Detox” and the exact words from this person were, “It’s shocking for someone who is trying to detox their soul.”  I had no words. I couldn’t understand how me having pictures made for my HUSBAND turned into my faith being questioned. She then went on to say how I post a blog about being Christian but then post inappropriate pictures for the world to see and that I am not setting an example for young girls.  OK…I’m just going to go ahead and say I am sorry to anybody who was offended by the pictures. But what it comes down to is that these pictures were not put on a personal  site but a photography site. A site that woman will go to while doing research similar to the research I did and say, “Wow, those are exactly what I am wanting to do for my husband!” I also would never encourage young woman to take pictures like this. This was a gift from a wife to her husband. My friend has already gotten many inquires about boudoir shoots since she put up the shoot we did together. I am so happy that I will have some small part in helping her business grow. 

I, not for one second, will pretend that I am perfect in my walk with the Lord. Nobody is. But I have consciously made choices to better my relationship with the Lord and live a Godly life. For someone to bring that into question is hard for me to swallow.  I do not feel like I am being a hypocrite by openly talking about my faith and sharing the Word by allowing these pictures to be posted.  I stand by my decision of helping a friend. I am ok with it, my husband is ok with it, and I know my Lord is ok with it.

 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:12

The person that this involved and I have talked and have no bad blood.  Everything I have said on here I have also said to them…so I am not speaking ill of anyone behind their back.

 I will leave you with this. If you don’t know someone, do not judge them. Trust me, it is something that I work on every day because old habits die hard; I am by no means perfect. You don’t know why they make the choices they do and frankly, it’s none of your business.  You are entitled to your own opinions, but keep them to yourself. Slander is very hurtful.

I hate that my first post in over a month is something as negative as this, but like I have explained many times, this blog is my outlet. My next post will be much more upbeat…and I promise is won’t be another month before it is posted.

Until next time…

Love through the Eyes of a Five Year Old

“Love is when you like someone a whole whole whole lot and they are nice to you.”

                                                -Lilly Kai

So as most of you know, I have a pretty incredible 5 year old daughter, named Lilly.

 

  My conversations with Lilly are one of my favorite things in life. Her spirit is magical, her heart is kind, and her innocence is just plain awesome. One of her favorite places to talk to me is oddly enough…when I’m in the shower. She will just sit on the bathroom floor and poor her little heart out. Odd? Yes. Precious? Absolutely :) So tonight in typical Lilly fashion, she pops a squat on the floor while I’m getting ready for work. Out of nowhere, she says, “I love you, Mommy.” As any parent out there can tell you, those are the best “I love yous.” Unprovoked, straight from the heart, I love yous. My response of course was, “I love you too baby girl” and then I began to think about what she really thought love was. So our conversation went something like this…

Me: Lilly, what do you think love means?

Lilly: Love means that you like someone a whole whole whole lot and they are nice to you.

Me: Okay, that makes sense. Can you tell me why you love mommy?

Lilly: Because you cook dinner

Me: What about Joshy?

Lilly: Because he plays with me….oh! oh! And he takes me fishing.

Me: Mia?

Lilly: She lets me spend the night at her house on school nights

Me: Papaw?

Lilly: He has lunch with me at school eeeevery Thursday

Me: What about Grams and Grumps?

Lilly: Well, Grams lets me sleep with her when I spend the night there which I love and Grumps takes me fishing in the spring time.

Me: Meagan?

Lilly: She lets me hold Carter, duh

Me: oh yeah duh, mommy. Why do you love baby Carter?

Lilly: Because he’s sooo cute

Me: Bebo?

Lilly: She gives me honey buns

Me: Ok…what about Aunt Sydney and Bubby? (my favorites)

Lilly: I love Sydney because she loves me back and I love Bubby because he lets me touch his ears.

Me: Well those are all great reasons to love someone.

Lilly: Oh! Oh! I forgot about Jesus. I love Jesus in my heart way way way more than everybody.

Me: Well that’s great baby! We should love Jesus more than anybody else! Ok last question. When you are just sitting there and out of nowhere say, “I love you, Mommy” what makes you want to say that?

Lilly (without a trace of a smile on her face): God tells me in my heart to tell you that I love you.

So there it is. Love through the eyes of a five year old.  When you think about all the different ways you can love and have loved, do you think about the way you loved as a child? Before romance and heartbreak and the world turned your innocent little heart into a cynical one? I hope that you can read this and really think about how simple love can be. My daughter loves me because I cook dinner. You know what? I’ll take it. Love the person at the grocery store who helps you get something off the top shelf when you can’t reach it. Love your neighbor for pulling your trashcans off the curb for you. Love others simply because they love you. Love doesn’t have to be this grand gesture. Stop over romanticizing it and fill your life with as much love as possible. View love as my precious 5 years old does. 

Love simply…to love.

Healing

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” –Jeremiah 29:11

This scripture, among many others, has gotten me through the last 3 weeks. This is the scripture that I repeated over and over in my head the day we found out we lost the baby. I quickly stopped trying to make sense of it all because I knew I never would. Have you ever felt a feeling of complete hopelessness? A feeling of desperation and heartache? That was me…in that moment. So what did I do? I Prayed.

Dear Lord,

Please help me understand Your purpose for this loss. Please help me not question Your plan for our family. I love you, Lord, and know that You are here in this room with us. Hold us tight and heal our hearts. I know without a doubt You will lead us through this. I lay this burden in Your hands…and for that I thank you.

Amen

We made it though that day. We made it through the next…and the next. The amount of support we received was overwhelming. The love that we felt around us is indescribably. Throughout those days my body was healing but my heart was hurting. I continued to plead to God begging Him to help me understand. How could one day I wake up pregnant and go to sleep not pregnant? What is Your purpose for this, Lord? And then I found my answer.

 I received an abundance of messages from people from all walks of my life saying the sweetest things. So many of them had gone through similar if not the same thing I was going through. Their words were healing. Then I received a message from an old friend telling me that she, just the month before, had had a miscarriage. She went on to tell me that she had been struggling with depression from her experience but reading my posts were really helping her get through. She realized that God had a different plan and she was beginning to understand that. After I read that I just fell to my knees and wept. I began to pray trying to make sense of everything. I wanted to know why I didn’t feel the kind of depression that my friend was experiencing. Sad, yes. Heartbroken, yes. Depressed, no. Was it because I wasn’t as excited about the pregnancy as I thought? Did I not love this baby enough? At that moment I felt the Holy Spirit all around me. No, Kayleigh, it isn’t that at all. I realized that the reason I didn’t feel that crippling depression is because as the very moment that I was given the news that turned my world upside down…I handed it over to the Lord. 

“I lay this burden in Your hands…and for that I thank you.”

The Lord took my burden and made it His own, allowing me to move forward with my life in the most positive way I could. Instead of me hurting and grieving, I was able to help someone who was in the same place I was. My love and faith in the Lord helped 1 person, 1 person’s struggle easier. That, I believe, is the answer I was looking for. 

I will continue to help woman who go through this heartbreaking experience in any way I can. But know that through this, I feel more loved by the Lord than I ever have. I am so abundantly grateful for His love and Mercy. So remember, when things get tough, when they get to a place where you don’t think you can go on, place your burdens in His hands. The peace you will feel in a feeling like none other in the world. It’s supernatural :)

To everybody who wrote me and message with words of encouragement, I will be forever grateful. I love each and every one of you and hope to be there for you one day as you were there for me.

God Bless each and every one of you!

Kay

Sabbatical Smatical

Wow. I can't believe that it has been over a year since I have last blogged. For someone who uses writing as an outlet...you would think I would keep up with this better. But life happens and time slips away.  I'll recap a bit on what my blog is about real fast so you know what to expect :) This blog is simply my thoughts written down. I'm not writing about clothes or food or really anything of any substance...so I am and will not be surprised if I dont have a huge following. My whole life I have used writing as a source of relief. If I am unable to make sense of something...I get out a pen and paper (or laptop) and just write. I can close my eyes and just pour my heart out and discover things that I otherwise never would have known I even felt. I am blessed to have such an outlet. 

Anyway

SOOO much has happened since last January. I wont go into great detail on anything otherwise this post would be outrageously long and I would lose the few followers I DO have (you're welcome) As y'all know I got engaged in December of 2010 to the love of my life, Josh. He proposed to me at the finish line of my first half marathon and it couldn't have been any more perfect. We had originally planned on a fall wedding but moved it up to August. I just couldn't wait to lock him down ;) We had the wedding of my dreams. I will have a post later on just on the wedding...because it deserves one all it's own! Josh and I had a wonderful honeymoon in Antigua full of romance and love. We were happy to get home and settle into our new life as a family.

 

Our New Journey

 

After we returned from our honeymoon I received my acceptance letter to Christ for the Nations, a bible college her in Dallas. I couldnt have been more thrilled! I had prayed and prayed and truly felt that this is what God was calling me to do. I was so excited to grow in my faith at such an amazing place! Once again, I wont go into too much detail, but it was a life changing experience and am so blessed to be a part of such an amazing school! Right before my second semester started we got the most exciting news of our life. We were pregnant :) I decided to hold off on CFNI and go back to working my second job to save for our new miracle. 

Waking up our Faith

On the morning of February 23rd, we went in to see our doctor to get our first sonogram. I'm pretty sure I had never been more excited about anything in my life. I couldn't wait to see our sweet baby. Then our would was turned upside down. During the sonogram the doctor descovered that I had an eptopic pregnancy and I needed to have surgery immediately. Before I had time to fully process what was going on...I was being prepped for surgery. Needless to say that day was filled with a lot of tears and even more prayer. I, not for ONE SECOND, questioned what God was doing in our life. I have faith in His plan and I believe that it just wasn't our time. But our faith was reaffirmed and I have never leaned on God more. I will blog more about this later. I have a lot to say. 

Okay, okay...that will be it for now. You are for the most part up to speed on where we are in life. From here on out is where it will get good, I promise :) I am excited to be back and I hope that my words will help someone in a similar situation find some understanding. If I can make a difference in just ONE persons life...I will be happy :) As you know...comments are welcome. I LOVE hearing what yall have to say  :)

Till next time...

Kayleigh

Against The Grain

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me your thoughts, O God! How vast in the sum of them!" Psalm 139:16-17

My heart has been heavy and my mind has been full. So here I am, writing to you.

Josh, Lilly and I have had the privilege of experiencing worship and praise at a different church home for the past two weeks. I have been wanting to look for a new place of worship for quit some time but have always found an excuse to stay where we were. It took the beautiful dedication ceremony of our dear friends, Josh and Alyssa's, sweet baby girl Eden to lead us to Word of Victory. For lack of better words, we have loved it. I have felt more of a connection with the music alone there than I have anywhere I have been since I have been back in Texas. Josh and I both really enjoy Pastor Mike's speaking style and I am confident if we continue to attend we will build lasting relationships with this tight knit congregation.

This past Sunday, Pastor Mike's sermon spoke to the insecure person who lives inside of me. He explained that God made each and every one of us different and unique but all for one reason and one reason alone. To glorify Him. He gave each of us gifts to use to glorify His name. God doesn't want us to spend our time wanting the gifts that other people possess but to exemplify our own. This really struck a nerve with me. I began thinking about all of the things that make me unique. They may not necessarily be gifts, but they are characteristics that make me who I am....and I am proud of who I am. If for no other reason but for me to see them written down, I am going to tell you some of the things that are unique to..well...me.

• I can never eat the last bite of my food
• I am terribly claustrophobic but LOVE the freeing feeling of roller coasters and heights
• I LOATHE the sound of people eating
• I wear different colored socks
• I cannot sleep without my body pillow
• I'm terrified of mice...and spiders...but mostly mice
• I'm messy but try oh so hard to not be
• I grew up wanting to be the next Katie Couric but I believe that taking care of sick babies is my calling

Ok, so 7 out of those 8 things aren't gifts but they are things that make me unique. God blessed me with all of the quarks...good and bad. The last one though, I do consider a gift. God has given me the gift to help children. I absolutely LOVE my job. If I can make a different in ONE child's life, the purpose I believe God has created me has been fulfilled. I will continue to do my best to glorify God through my work and my everyday life.

Do not deny who you are and do not wish to be someone else. Do not go against the grain that God created for you. He has a plan for all of us. A plan that he created before we were ever placed on this earth. Trust in Him and you WILL prosper.

Kayleigh

On a side note...

I wanted to share with you a text message that my brother sent  me earlier after our phone call got disconnected. He had called to check up on me and make sure everything was ok. Of course with me being the emotional roller coaster that I am I cried through the whole conversation, making it terribly hard for him I can imagine. Here is the message:

"I love you soooo much and am sooo excited for your wedding and your life with Josh. I am here to help you in any way you need. Let me know if I can help with anything and please know that I am so proud of you and am so happy you are marrying the man you love...i believe in yalls love and I believe in you and like you said, trust in the Lord...know your brother is here too."

I told Josh that I couldn't ask for a better brother and his response was, "...and if you did, I don't think youda gotten one."

I truly believe that God placed my brother on this earth to say the right thing at the right time. Ok, maybe he has a greater purpose...but I like to think that he was made just to be my amazing big brother. He is one of the best men I know. Ok that is all...I just wanted to share with you the love in my family.

Yall have a blessed week

Conversations

The conversation between Lilly and me as I was dropping her off at my parents before I left for work:

Lilly: Mommy, do I have school tomorrow?

Me: Yes baby

Lilly: (with a very disappointed look on her face) Well do you think I can stay home and spend time with you tomorrow instead?

Me: Well mommy has to sleep tomorrow but we will spend all afternoon together.

Lilly: OK...I love you. Have a good night at work.

Me: Love you too sweet girl. Sweet dreams.

Precious right? Well, just wait.

As I'm walking out of the room....

Lilly: (crying) Mommy please don't go. I don't want you to go to work!

Me: (tears in my eyes) Baby, I have to go to work. I will be here when you wake up in the morning.

Lilly: Please just stay. I miss you when you re gone.

Me: I miss you too and I love you so so much. I will come crawl in bed with you in the morning.

Lilly: OK...I love you Mommy.

Yes...this is my heart breaking :(

Nights like tonight are hard. Most of the time, Lilly does just fine when she knows I am going to work. But there are nights, few and far between, that she gets really upset. I try to explain to her the reasons that I have to work but I don't think that she truly understands. I know that will come with age, but what about now? I hate that she had to miss me. I hate that I have to leave her even if it is to provide a life for her.

As I was driving to work, our conversation ran through my head. The more I thought about how wonderful my beautiful baby girl is, the more I began to think about how big of a loser her father is. As my baby girl is begging me to stay home with her while I have to go work one of my TWO jobs, where is he? Oh right, he's busy avoiding my texts and phone calls trying to see if he is going to get Lilly for his scheduled time next week. Does he not know what he is missing? Does he not know how truly wonderful she is? How does he think that calling once or twice a week and seeing her every couple months for a few days is enough? I just don't understand. I mean don't get me wrong, there are time when I need a break from full time mommy hood but if I go more than two days without seeing her I am going nuts. She deserves better. I told her dad once that he needs to get his act together. That one day I am going to find a man that loves Lilly all of the time, not just when it is convenient for him. I told him that Lilly will get to an age when she will understand what is going on and will compare him to the man in my life...and he will lose.I will never say a foul word to Lilly about her father. She will figure it out on her own. I tried to give him a chance. I tried to help him be a good father. But what does he do? Nothing. Well, I have found that man. Josh loves Lilly like she is his own. He would do anything for her at any time. No matter what. Thank God for him, for Lilly's sake.

Sorry about my rant. This has just been weighing heavy on my heart for the last week. Tonight just made it that much worse. I cannot wait to get home and snuggle up with my precious baby girl.

To any fathers that might read my blog: No matter what your situation is, do everything in your power to be involved in your child's life. You chose to bring them into this world so you need to choose to be an active part of their lives. You owe it to them.

Until next time, 

Kay

Attitude

I'm sitting in the waiting room at the dr's office for my sick baby surrounded by the germs of sickly people on my day off. BOOOO. It's ok though, because today is SERIOUSLY one of the most exciting days of my life. In just a few liiiitle hours, I will be slipping on beautiful wedding gowns that I may potentinally wear on the day I get to marry my best friend in the whole world. Along with my cousin Amber, who is one of my Maids of Honor, my Aunt Terri and my mom I get to play the ultimate dress up! Yipeeee for me!

So in the last month that I have been engaged, I have experienced what I always hoped I wouldn't. I have been treated, by some, like this is my second wedding, so it shouldn't be as big of deal. At first it really bothered me. They made me feel almost guilty for being as excited as I am. I felt that because I have made mistakes in my life that I dont deserve to have the happiness that other woman get to experience during their engagment. Well ya know what? SCREW THAT. This may be my second wedding, but unlike my first wedding that I had out of obligation, I am so incredibly inlove with this man and truly cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. And since when did the wedding become just about the bride? It may be my second wedding but it is Josh's first and he deserves the best. So I'm moving forward with a new attitude. I WILL be excited about everything no matter what everybody thinks. I WILL plan the wedding of my dreams on a very limited budget. And I WILL marry the man of my dreams in front of my closest friends and family :)

MOVING ON...

Today I will be dress shopping with 3 of my favorite woman in the world. The 4 of us have many fun memories of our ventures together. Sadly, our ventures dont happen near as often but that's what having babies will do! There really arent any other people in this world that I would want to share today with. AND THEN TOMORROW! Tanna is making a quick 3 hour trip south to spend the day thrift store hopping with me. Yes you read that correctly, thrift store hopping. I will indeed be using MANY items from thrift stores for the decore of my wedding. Im sooooo super pumped! This wedding will be a DIY wedding at it's best. Full of personality and feeling, it will be an experience that I hope my guests will never forget. I am thankful to have such a beautiful best friend and maid of honor to help make all of my ideas come to life. I am blessed to have the best 2 maids of honor a girl could ask for!

So I will spend the next 11 months planning the day that starts my life as the wife of the man God put on this earth for me. I have never been more excited about anything in my whole life. Thank you Josh for making me so happy and for never making me feel like I deserve nothing less than the world. Thank you Amber and Tanna for being my best friends and supporting me through everything I have been through. Things that led me to where I am today with you two by my side. I love you both dearly.

So here's to Novemeber 11, 2011. THE DAY OUR DREAMS COME TRUE! :)