Time

Time is a precious commodity. Time flies. The time is now. Only time will tell.

We all know these sayings about time. We have more than likely been hearing them our whole lives. But the more I think about all these expressions, the more the concept of time makes me feel sick to my stomach. Is that strange?  Recently I have seen how truly scary time is. I am guilty of focusing on the future probably more than I should. When will Josh be done with school? When will we be comfortable enough to have more children? When will I be able to buy a house? When this and when that. So what is my sudden realization you might ask? WHO FREAKIN CARES. 

As I write this blog I have the urge to throw up. You know that tight feeling in your chest and the lingering tickle at the bottom of your throat? Yeah, it's all there. I'm not for sure where this sudden anxiety of time came from. Actually no I take that back. In the last month I have had not only one but two of the closest people in my world relationships end. I'm talking one marriage and one soon to be proposal....VERY invested relationships. It terrifies me to think that they were happy...then they weren't. (Now come the tears) You live your life every day planning for your future together and somewhere in all the planning you forget to live in the present. Then one person begins to stray or have doubts. Communication begins to suffer and intimacy seams to be a memory. TIME. Where does it go? The more oblivious of the two usually seems to be blind sided by all the changes. Then they begin to think about how their relationship has been going and it all begins to make sense. In some cases the changes could have been avoided but in others they were inevitable. I don't know where I am going with this really. Yall have caught me on one of topics that I am truly trying to make sense of myself. All I know is that my heart breaks for my very best friend and brother for they are 2 of the best people I know. Take the time and live in your present. 

I think something that we are all guilty of is assuming that we have plenty of time. We have time to fix things that are broken, mend relationships that are damaged, or just live life in general. This, however, is not the way it works. About a year ago my ex husbands grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I found out today that she fell recently and the CT scan showed that the cancer is in her bone. They also found spots on her liver indicating that the cancer is in her blood and is spreading. They gave her 6 months but we are hoping she makes it to Christmas. Time. All I want is for Lilly to be there with her memaw. I want memaw to be able to spend as much time as possible around this beautiful child full of positive energy. I want Lilly to have memories of memaw. REAL memories. Why is this just now a priority to me? I have known for over a year. Was I in denial? Did I think that we had plenty of time? Whatever it was, I was wrong. We have run out of time. Time IS a precious commodity. Time DOES fly. The time IS now and ONLY now that Lilly has time with her dying grandmother; and only TIME will tell how much time we really have.

As cliche as this may sound I will say it anyway. Live each day like you have no tomorrow. When you are with the person you love, BE with them. If you have a grandmother or grandfather who you haven't seen or spoke to in a while, call them just to say hi and that you love them. Be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live every day because you never know if you will have the time to make things better. I'm sorry if all of this didn't make sense to you but this blog is about me trying to make sense of the chaos in my mind. Welcome to my very inner thoughts. 

"Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it."

 You Can Still Wear White

Have you ever heard a song that you could swear was written about you? A song that narrates the story of your life at that moment or just hits the exact emotion you are feeling that day. Well it seems to happen to me on an everyday basis. But last week Josh told me to look up a song that was perfect for me, well more for us. So I immediately went to utube to listen to yet another song that I could some how manage to make about myself. Boy am I glad I did. The song is called "You Can Still Wear White" By: Matt Kennon. By the end I was balling. It touched me in a way that I can honestly say no other song ever has. I'm going to share the lyrics with you to better your understanding of why it made such an affect on me.

Baby why you sitting here all alone,
in the bathroom crying.
Oh girl what's wrong?
You know you can tell me anything.
Are you getting nervous, bout wearin that new ring?
Well if that ain't it, is this about your dress?
I thought we've been over this...

Chorus:
Baby you can still wear white,
no matter where you've been.
No lookin back we're startin all over again.
I want you by my side, I gotta be your man.
Your perfect in my eyes.
You can still wear white.

You and your bright eyed baby girl,
mean more than anything.
Oh you're my whole world.
I can almost see her smiling,
that little basket in her hand droppin pettles down the aisle.
And if people talk, well we'll just let them talk.
Do what you want, this is only gonna happen once.

Chorus:
Baby you can still wear white,
no matter where you've been.
No lookin back we're startin all over again.
I want you by my side, I gotta be your man.
Your perfect in my eyes.
You can still wear white.

Baby you can still wear white,
no matter where you've been.
No lookin back we're startin all over again.
I want you by my side, I gotta be your man.
Your perfect in my eyes.
You can still wear white.
Oh baby, you can still wear white

WOW

Not only does it fit my life down to my beautiful baby girl, it focuses on the fears that any woman who has a failed marriage in their past feels every day. No matter how happy you are and how much you feel that you have moved on, there is always that lingering knowledge that people are judging you. I'm not one to focus on what the general public thinks of me but I care very much about what and how the people closest to me feel. So to know that the ONE person who's thoughts and opinions count feels this way about it makes me the happiest woman in the world.

So to Josh; Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for never making me feel that I'm not good enough because of the mistakes I have made in my past. I have tears rolling down my face as I think about how God has blessed me in more ways that I could ever possibly deserve. He sent you to me when I least expected it. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Thank you again for sharing this beautiful song with me and for loving me like no one else in this world could. 

Yall have a beautiful and blessed week. If yall can be even half as happy as I am, I think your doin pretty good ;)             

Dreams

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe."

Oh the dreams I have had in my life. To be a doctor, to be in the WNBA, to marry Justin Timberlake... Yes I know that there are some dreams that are unrealistic but I stand strong in saying that if Justin Timberlake were to meet me he would fall madly in love and want to spend the rest of his beautiful life with me :)

Anyway...

Throughout the course of this crazy thing we call life, our dreams change, along with so many other aspects of our lives. Sadly, I have lost track of my dreams. I'm not even sure what they are as of now. I do know that I love my family and I want Josh, Lilly and myself to have a beautiful life together but that's where I get stuck. What next? I will look at how my dreams have evolved and maybe get some answers and go from there.

The Big Apple

When I was in high school my goal in life was to be a journalist. I loved to write. I would write whenever I could no matter what the reason. I would write short stories while I was at work or in class. I wrote for my town's newspaper whenever they gave me the chance. Besides basketball, writing was my safe place. It let me escape from reality into a world of words. When I was a senior I was blessed with a trip to New York City for my senior trip. Needless to say, I fell in love. By the end of my trip I had decided I was going to be the next Carrie Bradshaw (the Sex and The City tour we went on had much influence on this.) I was going to major in journalism while playing basketball in college. I would get as much writing experience as possible and the day after I graduated....I would be gone. I was bound and determined to live the life of a struggling writer in New York City.

I would live in a small apartment made fabulous in my own way

and I would run everyday through the beautiful Central Park.

I was going to make it happen and there is no doubt in my mind that I would have. But a struggling writers income is not what  I would call family worthy. One day though, I know I will write again.

The Dream Within Reach

Every single day I play with thoughts of my future. Although I don't seem to getting any closer to an answer, I do feel like I have an option that I could very much make a reality. My brother, Kyle, lives in Boulder, Colorado. When he graduated from college, he up and moved to Brekenridge, Colorado to be a childrens Ski Instructor. I admire him for having the correge to leave the only kind of life he has ever really known to just start a new one. A part of me has always been jealous. After a few seasons of ski instructing and his continuing job as a white water rafting guide, he lives in Boulder and has an "adult" job. He absolutely loves it there. Not too long ago Josh was doing some research and learned that the Aurora/Denver Fire Departments are in the top 10 highest paid fire departments in the country.

Hmmmmm...

Could we leave Texas for a new beginning in Colorado?

Could we wake up to this every morning?

and enjoy this beautiful town at night?

Absolutely we could. And we very well may. My brother and his girlfriend are there and will help me however I need. My family is there. A fresh start and new beginning is there. Once again...Im not any closer to a decision.

Home

Yes you are reading that right. Three thousand two hundred and ninety two people. This is the place I call home. I moved to Canton when I was 12 from Coppell. Talk about culture shock. I struggled growing up in Canton to no one’s fault but my own. I made pore decisions which led to a miserable high school experience. It is also obviously small and doesn’t offer much in terms of entertainment. No movie theater, no symphony hall, no musicals or malls.  We do have the famous Dairy Palace though...

And thank God for that.

 Despite all that, Canton is a good place. It is the kind of place I could see raising my children. I know Lilly would be happy never leaving Canton. This is where both mine and Josh's families are.  Not only do I think it is SO important for Lilly to be near our parents, I can’t imagine being that far away from my mom or baby sister. Every day we spend here, every volleyball game or pep rally I go to, every time I help Sydney with her homework it makes me want to be here. The hard times for her haven’t even begun yet. A part of me thinks I need to be here for her through high school. I don’t want to miss out on her life. Something else I think about often is having Lilly start and finish school in the same school district. I never had that opportunity. For her to graduate high school with the same kids she was in Kindergarten with would be such a neat experience.

I have so many things to consider and most days feel like I’m no closer to a solution. I just continue to pray and I know that God will lead us to where He feels is best for us. I will continue to search and peruse my dreams.

.

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5

Advice is greatly appreciated so go right ahead and share your thoughts with me. Oh and if you’re ever in my neck of the woods let me know....we will definitely make a trip to Dairy Palace :)



Family.

I have been incredibly blessed in this department. I not only have 1 father, I have 2 dads. I not only have 1 mother to turn to, but 2. I have always known that I am luckier than most but days like today make me sit down, think, and pray to out gracious Lord for allowing me to have such beautiful people in my life.

When I was 5 years old my mom met the man who changed my world. Shawn and mom dated for a measly 6 weeks before he knew he wanted to be stuck with us forever. Shawn, what were you thinking? Over the years Shawn's fuse has gotten longer, his beautiful hair has all but disappeared, and he has been a wonderful father to me. I was no easy child to raise, and being a step father to a teenage girl is no job I would ever want to have, but he faced the challenge head on and I credit a huge part of the person I am to him. I don't know where I would be without him and my mom. They are truly a God send. Although I am 99% sure that he has never read my blog and will never see this, but I still want to share with my readers what a wonderful man he is. He is a man with wonderful values and a kind heart. He will go to the ends of the earth for his family, especially his girls. My mom, myself, Sydney and Lilly are lucky to have him. He is one of the best men I know. Correction, he is the best man I know. Shawn, thank you for everything you have ever done for us. We love you more than you know.

On top of having such a wonderful step father, I have a beautiful mom who has sacrificed so much for us. I have a Daddy who will always call me his Princess and a step mom who will always be there when I feel like I cant talk to anyone else. Family. Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with these amazing people. I will never deserve them.

I will bless you with a future filled with hope- a future of success, not suffering. You will turn back to me and ask for help, and I will answer your prayers. You will worship me with your heart, and I will be with you and accept your worship. -Jeremiah 29:11-14

Mommyhood

Breakfast, clean the kitchen, hang up my shades in my bedroom (with a drill), laundry. Lunch, Lilly's nap, mow the lawn, laundry. Vacuum, fold laundry, Lilly's homework, get Lilly dressed for dance, gym. Run 3 miles at gym, Lilly's ballet, Sydney's volleyball game in Lindale. Home, laundry, shower, make bed, work.

Welcome to my life.

As I went through the steps of my day I got to thinking. Being a single mother is the hardest job a person could have. Period. I'm not saying that I don't love what I do but good gracious...I'm exhausted. I look forward to the day where every day isn't such a struggle and my teammate is here with me every day. I am so blessed to have the help of my wonderful mother along with Josh's. I know I wouldn't be able to do this without them.

Days like today are catch 22s for me. I step back and realize that I am able to do this all on my own and that is a wonderful feeling.  I am financially independent and run an efficient household. I am able to do things around the house that are usually left for the male counterpart. I bend over backwards to make sure that Lilly doesn't want for anything and 90% of the time I am successful.  But then I get to thinking about how hard every single day is for me and get that sick feeling in my stomach. I married a man that at the time was a wonderful father. I knew for sure that if things weren't to work out between him and I, he would at least be a good, PRESENT father to Lilly. What happened to that guy? Now I get the guy who doesn't answer his phone when it is his time to have her. I get the guy who makes up excuses to not talk to his baby girl. While I'm busting my butt trying to be the best mother AND father to our precious baby he is off living the single life of a 20 something year old man. You know what? WHATEVER. I am the one who gets to be a part of her life every single day. I am the one she cries for when she is sad or scared or upset. I am the one that she walks up to for no reason at all and gives a kiss and tell me she loves me. Moments like that make my days worth it. I will be exhausted for the rest of my life if it means I get to share it with her.

I have a beautiful baby girl that I am so proud of every day. She makes all this worth it.

Precious Baby

                                                 

I love her more than anything in the world

Her signiture face :)

♥

Beautiful

She got me through :)

She's turning into a beautiful little lady



The Finish Line



So it has come to my attention recently that in my life I have created a habit of not finishing or sticking with things I start. I hate to admit that, being a flaw and all, but it's true. Lets first name some of the things I have not been able to finish and or stick with. Budgets, Crest Whitening Strips (yes, 2 weeks is far too long), ANY scrap book, birth control (hence the little one), diets, consistently working out and to be honest, I'm struggling to finish this blog. Now don't get me wrong, the things I have managed to finish in my life are the big things. NURSING SCHOOL, being a good mother, and advancing my career to name a few.

So this is where I am with my realization. I need to change.

Ok, I'm 23 years old, this change isn't going to happen over night. I understand that this will take time and a lot of focus, but it WILL happen. Sadly, I will be turning 24 in December and how that happened I'm still not sure. So for my birthday, I have decided to give myself the gift of setting a goal...AND FINISHING IT. I will be running the Metro PCS Dallas White Rock 1/2 Marathon on December 5th. I don't only want to finish the whole 13.1 miles, I want to finish running the whole way.

 

As I sit here with ice on my knee and an aching back I see how quitting would be the easy thing to do. The training is going to be grueling and my body will continue to ache but I know the outcome with be well worth it. This will be me in approximately 12 weeks.

                

       

And just in case you were wondering, I will ABSOLUTELY be crossing the finish line with my arms above my head! I truly believe that this experience will be life changing for me. It is something that I am doing for myself and no one else. That, I might add, is not my forte. Now that I have shared with the world what my goal is I will hold myself even more accountable. Support is greatly appreciated and encouragement sure goes a long way.

That is all for now :)    Kayleigh

Past.Present.Future

So I have been thinking recently how our lives are shaped and configured into the way we live on a day to day basis. We, or at least I, spend a great deal of time trying to forget about our pasts. Although my past has many great memories, the things that always seem to stick with me are the not so great ones. Now a days, our pasts are no longer able to be buried in the back of our closets along side the feelings be stored there many years ago. They are brought to our attention front and center thanks to the continual advancement of technology. Facebook, you suck. Those of you who know me, I know you must be gasping with what seems to be blasphemy coming from someone like me. Setting aside my what I have concluded is an addiction, Facebook is a bittersweet thing for me. It keeps me updated on my family and friends that I otherwise would have lost contact with years ago; but at the same time keeps people I would love to forget a part of my life as well. Going back to what I said at the beginning of this unintentional rant on Facebook, I have been thinking about my past and how it has effected my present and my future.

Past.

I have had 4 significant relationships in my life ranging from the ages of 16 to 23. In only 6 years I have managed to commit myself to 4 different men all in different ways. It's exhausting to think about.  Looking back at my experiences I cringe at some thoughts, laugh at others, and am grateful for many.

Relationship number 1: The Jail Bird

Oh where to begin with this one. Brandon is the type of guy that makes me terrified for Lilly to grow up. My relationship with Brandon consumed my life from the ages of 16 to 18 and in those 2 years I would have done anything for him.  Bad News. I lost countless friends, destroyed my relationship with my parents, got arrested..twice, and got kicked out of my house. Go me. Our relationship was full of lies and deceit and was incredibly unhealthy. I will not say for one minute that I wasn't very much in love with Brandon but I will say that the love that I had for him was very juvenile, which is okay. Everybody has that one person that began their journey with love. Mine just so happened to be a criminal. Thanks to the wonderful world of Facebook, I found out recently that Brandon has been sentenced to 8 years in jail for countless offenses.

                                                          Dodged a bullet with that one.

Relationship number 2: The Boy Blunder

Ugh. The Boy Blunder is non other than my ex-husband, Todd. I met Todd when I was 18 and still in high school. I was working at Chili's when I got to know one of my older, funny, charming co-workers. The beginning of my demise. Remember, I was 18...18. I was not looking for a life partner. I wasn't wanting to settle down. I had achieved what I had worked for my whole life with a college scholarship to play basketball. I was right where I wanted to be. Then my 18 year old self  who had no concept of long term consequences got myself pregnant. Goodbye childhood, goodbye scholarship, goodbye to the only life I had ever known. Although terrified and confused, I chose to keep the baby and build a life with Todd. I decided I didn't want to get married only because I was pregnant and wanted to wait to do it for the right reasons. We waited to get married when Lilly was 18 months old. I tried my best to love Todd the way I was supposed to, but I never truly loved him the way a wife should love a husband. Our non Christian marriage was full of resentment and anger which led to lies and unthinkable heartache. For the sake of my daughter and my sanity, leaving Todd was the best decision I have ever made.

Relationship number 3: The Protocol Son

After Todd and I separated I was in a very bad place. Alcohol was my comfort and going out was my distraction. Any night that Lilly was with Todd I was out with my friends fulfilling the college stage I felt I had been robbed of. Then came Joshua. Joshua was the little brother of one of my good friends at the time. He was far from my type and honestly began with a pity date. That changed very quickly. I was not attending church and I had little to no relationship with God. After much persuasion Joshua convinced me to go to church with him. LifeChurch.tv changed my life. Although I began going back to church for a man, I found the Lord all over again. To Joshua, I will be eternally grateful. As I grew in my relationship with the Lord my relationship with Joshua struggled. Every single day he made me feel as if I wasn't good enough and he held my past over my head constantly. Through all this I stayed with him and continued to let him hurt me. I beleive it was my bad karma. Joshua ended things and broke my heart for the first time ever. Through God and His gracious love my heart healed with time. Once again, thanks to Facebook, I know that Joshua is now engaged to be married. I wish him the best and all the happiness in the world.

Present.

Relationship number 4: The man God made for me

A leap of faith can sure go a long way. On April 24, 2009 I decided to drive to a different state in hopes that my gut feeling was right about the man I had gotten to know all over again on non other than...Facebook :) It was not only what I had hoped but more than I could have ever imagined. Josh loves me for everything I am and everything I'm not. He loves that I am clumsy and that I cant cook. He loves that I have a past and have made mistakes. He loves my baby girl almost as much as he loves me. We grow every day together in love and the Lord. I know that I went through all of the hard times to lead my to where I am now. I am with a man who loves me as much as I love him.

                                       He is the man I will spend the rest of my life with.

Future.

Looking back at my past isn't always fun. Actually, I try to avoid thinking about it as much as I possibly can. What I can say is that I have taken something for each of my relationships and applied them to the only one that matters. I credit them, along with myself, for how happy I am in my relationship now. My future with Josh gets brighter every day. I have never been in a relationship that I haven't doubted in one way or another until now. Ours is far from perfect but I have never wanted to work for something as much as this. So here's to my dark past for making my future so incredible bright.