Against The Grain

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me your thoughts, O God! How vast in the sum of them!" Psalm 139:16-17

My heart has been heavy and my mind has been full. So here I am, writing to you.

Josh, Lilly and I have had the privilege of experiencing worship and praise at a different church home for the past two weeks. I have been wanting to look for a new place of worship for quit some time but have always found an excuse to stay where we were. It took the beautiful dedication ceremony of our dear friends, Josh and Alyssa's, sweet baby girl Eden to lead us to Word of Victory. For lack of better words, we have loved it. I have felt more of a connection with the music alone there than I have anywhere I have been since I have been back in Texas. Josh and I both really enjoy Pastor Mike's speaking style and I am confident if we continue to attend we will build lasting relationships with this tight knit congregation.

This past Sunday, Pastor Mike's sermon spoke to the insecure person who lives inside of me. He explained that God made each and every one of us different and unique but all for one reason and one reason alone. To glorify Him. He gave each of us gifts to use to glorify His name. God doesn't want us to spend our time wanting the gifts that other people possess but to exemplify our own. This really struck a nerve with me. I began thinking about all of the things that make me unique. They may not necessarily be gifts, but they are characteristics that make me who I am....and I am proud of who I am. If for no other reason but for me to see them written down, I am going to tell you some of the things that are unique to..well...me.

• I can never eat the last bite of my food
• I am terribly claustrophobic but LOVE the freeing feeling of roller coasters and heights
• I LOATHE the sound of people eating
• I wear different colored socks
• I cannot sleep without my body pillow
• I'm terrified of mice...and spiders...but mostly mice
• I'm messy but try oh so hard to not be
• I grew up wanting to be the next Katie Couric but I believe that taking care of sick babies is my calling

Ok, so 7 out of those 8 things aren't gifts but they are things that make me unique. God blessed me with all of the quarks...good and bad. The last one though, I do consider a gift. God has given me the gift to help children. I absolutely LOVE my job. If I can make a different in ONE child's life, the purpose I believe God has created me has been fulfilled. I will continue to do my best to glorify God through my work and my everyday life.

Do not deny who you are and do not wish to be someone else. Do not go against the grain that God created for you. He has a plan for all of us. A plan that he created before we were ever placed on this earth. Trust in Him and you WILL prosper.

Kayleigh

On a side note...

I wanted to share with you a text message that my brother sent  me earlier after our phone call got disconnected. He had called to check up on me and make sure everything was ok. Of course with me being the emotional roller coaster that I am I cried through the whole conversation, making it terribly hard for him I can imagine. Here is the message:

"I love you soooo much and am sooo excited for your wedding and your life with Josh. I am here to help you in any way you need. Let me know if I can help with anything and please know that I am so proud of you and am so happy you are marrying the man you love...i believe in yalls love and I believe in you and like you said, trust in the Lord...know your brother is here too."

I told Josh that I couldn't ask for a better brother and his response was, "...and if you did, I don't think youda gotten one."

I truly believe that God placed my brother on this earth to say the right thing at the right time. Ok, maybe he has a greater purpose...but I like to think that he was made just to be my amazing big brother. He is one of the best men I know. Ok that is all...I just wanted to share with you the love in my family.

Yall have a blessed week

Conversations

The conversation between Lilly and me as I was dropping her off at my parents before I left for work:

Lilly: Mommy, do I have school tomorrow?

Me: Yes baby

Lilly: (with a very disappointed look on her face) Well do you think I can stay home and spend time with you tomorrow instead?

Me: Well mommy has to sleep tomorrow but we will spend all afternoon together.

Lilly: OK...I love you. Have a good night at work.

Me: Love you too sweet girl. Sweet dreams.

Precious right? Well, just wait.

As I'm walking out of the room....

Lilly: (crying) Mommy please don't go. I don't want you to go to work!

Me: (tears in my eyes) Baby, I have to go to work. I will be here when you wake up in the morning.

Lilly: Please just stay. I miss you when you re gone.

Me: I miss you too and I love you so so much. I will come crawl in bed with you in the morning.

Lilly: OK...I love you Mommy.

Yes...this is my heart breaking :(

Nights like tonight are hard. Most of the time, Lilly does just fine when she knows I am going to work. But there are nights, few and far between, that she gets really upset. I try to explain to her the reasons that I have to work but I don't think that she truly understands. I know that will come with age, but what about now? I hate that she had to miss me. I hate that I have to leave her even if it is to provide a life for her.

As I was driving to work, our conversation ran through my head. The more I thought about how wonderful my beautiful baby girl is, the more I began to think about how big of a loser her father is. As my baby girl is begging me to stay home with her while I have to go work one of my TWO jobs, where is he? Oh right, he's busy avoiding my texts and phone calls trying to see if he is going to get Lilly for his scheduled time next week. Does he not know what he is missing? Does he not know how truly wonderful she is? How does he think that calling once or twice a week and seeing her every couple months for a few days is enough? I just don't understand. I mean don't get me wrong, there are time when I need a break from full time mommy hood but if I go more than two days without seeing her I am going nuts. She deserves better. I told her dad once that he needs to get his act together. That one day I am going to find a man that loves Lilly all of the time, not just when it is convenient for him. I told him that Lilly will get to an age when she will understand what is going on and will compare him to the man in my life...and he will lose.I will never say a foul word to Lilly about her father. She will figure it out on her own. I tried to give him a chance. I tried to help him be a good father. But what does he do? Nothing. Well, I have found that man. Josh loves Lilly like she is his own. He would do anything for her at any time. No matter what. Thank God for him, for Lilly's sake.

Sorry about my rant. This has just been weighing heavy on my heart for the last week. Tonight just made it that much worse. I cannot wait to get home and snuggle up with my precious baby girl.

To any fathers that might read my blog: No matter what your situation is, do everything in your power to be involved in your child's life. You chose to bring them into this world so you need to choose to be an active part of their lives. You owe it to them.

Until next time, 

Kay

Attitude

I'm sitting in the waiting room at the dr's office for my sick baby surrounded by the germs of sickly people on my day off. BOOOO. It's ok though, because today is SERIOUSLY one of the most exciting days of my life. In just a few liiiitle hours, I will be slipping on beautiful wedding gowns that I may potentinally wear on the day I get to marry my best friend in the whole world. Along with my cousin Amber, who is one of my Maids of Honor, my Aunt Terri and my mom I get to play the ultimate dress up! Yipeeee for me!

So in the last month that I have been engaged, I have experienced what I always hoped I wouldn't. I have been treated, by some, like this is my second wedding, so it shouldn't be as big of deal. At first it really bothered me. They made me feel almost guilty for being as excited as I am. I felt that because I have made mistakes in my life that I dont deserve to have the happiness that other woman get to experience during their engagment. Well ya know what? SCREW THAT. This may be my second wedding, but unlike my first wedding that I had out of obligation, I am so incredibly inlove with this man and truly cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. And since when did the wedding become just about the bride? It may be my second wedding but it is Josh's first and he deserves the best. So I'm moving forward with a new attitude. I WILL be excited about everything no matter what everybody thinks. I WILL plan the wedding of my dreams on a very limited budget. And I WILL marry the man of my dreams in front of my closest friends and family :)

MOVING ON...

Today I will be dress shopping with 3 of my favorite woman in the world. The 4 of us have many fun memories of our ventures together. Sadly, our ventures dont happen near as often but that's what having babies will do! There really arent any other people in this world that I would want to share today with. AND THEN TOMORROW! Tanna is making a quick 3 hour trip south to spend the day thrift store hopping with me. Yes you read that correctly, thrift store hopping. I will indeed be using MANY items from thrift stores for the decore of my wedding. Im sooooo super pumped! This wedding will be a DIY wedding at it's best. Full of personality and feeling, it will be an experience that I hope my guests will never forget. I am thankful to have such a beautiful best friend and maid of honor to help make all of my ideas come to life. I am blessed to have the best 2 maids of honor a girl could ask for!

So I will spend the next 11 months planning the day that starts my life as the wife of the man God put on this earth for me. I have never been more excited about anything in my whole life. Thank you Josh for making me so happy and for never making me feel like I deserve nothing less than the world. Thank you Amber and Tanna for being my best friends and supporting me through everything I have been through. Things that led me to where I am today with you two by my side. I love you both dearly.

So here's to Novemeber 11, 2011. THE DAY OUR DREAMS COME TRUE! :)

Ok Ok I know that I have been a bad blogger. I could list off a bunch of excuses but there is no point. Busy life + no computer = bad blogger. My B. So let's just move on :)

Decisions

"It's funny how one night, one second, one decision, can change your life forever"

Decisions, decisions, decisions. It seems that our lives are made up of a continuous chain of decisions. Actually, that's exactly what life is. No matter how big or small, each decision alters our path in life. I have been thinking a lot lately about the decisions I have made in my life and how they have brought me to where I am today. Although I made many decisions, good and bad, before I graduated high school, I feel that the most important ones didn't come until after. Here are what I consider the most important decisions I have experienced in my life thus far.

1. Choosing to have and keep Lilly-18

2. Going to nursing school-20
3. Separating from Lilly's father-21
4. Recommitting my life to Chirst-21

5. Moving back to Texas-22

6. Marrying Josh -24

So in the last 6 years of my life, between all the other big decisions, I have made 6 life altering ones. Although I might handle things differently if I had them to do over again, I feel that in all those 6 decisions...

I NAILED THEM.

Going back to what I quoted earlier, all it takes is one second, one decision to change your life forever. I have been abnormally lucky with the outcome of all of my not always great decisions. I have a beautiful little girl, a relationship with Christ, a wonderful fiance', a career, and an amazing family who has supported me through it all. I only hope that all of you can find the kind of happiness I have been blessed with.

I will leave you with this. With every decision you make, many people's lives are effected. Think before you act, filter before you speak, and know that in just one second, your whole life can change.

I will be back soon :)

Kay



 Time

Time is a precious commodity. Time flies. The time is now. Only time will tell.

We all know these sayings about time. We have more than likely been hearing them our whole lives. But the more I think about all these expressions, the more the concept of time makes me feel sick to my stomach. Is that strange?  Recently I have seen how truly scary time is. I am guilty of focusing on the future probably more than I should. When will Josh be done with school? When will we be comfortable enough to have more children? When will I be able to buy a house? When this and when that. So what is my sudden realization you might ask? WHO FREAKIN CARES. 

As I write this blog I have the urge to throw up. You know that tight feeling in your chest and the lingering tickle at the bottom of your throat? Yeah, it's all there. I'm not for sure where this sudden anxiety of time came from. Actually no I take that back. In the last month I have had not only one but two of the closest people in my world relationships end. I'm talking one marriage and one soon to be proposal....VERY invested relationships. It terrifies me to think that they were happy...then they weren't. (Now come the tears) You live your life every day planning for your future together and somewhere in all the planning you forget to live in the present. Then one person begins to stray or have doubts. Communication begins to suffer and intimacy seams to be a memory. TIME. Where does it go? The more oblivious of the two usually seems to be blind sided by all the changes. Then they begin to think about how their relationship has been going and it all begins to make sense. In some cases the changes could have been avoided but in others they were inevitable. I don't know where I am going with this really. Yall have caught me on one of topics that I am truly trying to make sense of myself. All I know is that my heart breaks for my very best friend and brother for they are 2 of the best people I know. Take the time and live in your present. 

I think something that we are all guilty of is assuming that we have plenty of time. We have time to fix things that are broken, mend relationships that are damaged, or just live life in general. This, however, is not the way it works. About a year ago my ex husbands grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I found out today that she fell recently and the CT scan showed that the cancer is in her bone. They also found spots on her liver indicating that the cancer is in her blood and is spreading. They gave her 6 months but we are hoping she makes it to Christmas. Time. All I want is for Lilly to be there with her memaw. I want memaw to be able to spend as much time as possible around this beautiful child full of positive energy. I want Lilly to have memories of memaw. REAL memories. Why is this just now a priority to me? I have known for over a year. Was I in denial? Did I think that we had plenty of time? Whatever it was, I was wrong. We have run out of time. Time IS a precious commodity. Time DOES fly. The time IS now and ONLY now that Lilly has time with her dying grandmother; and only TIME will tell how much time we really have.

As cliche as this may sound I will say it anyway. Live each day like you have no tomorrow. When you are with the person you love, BE with them. If you have a grandmother or grandfather who you haven't seen or spoke to in a while, call them just to say hi and that you love them. Be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live every day because you never know if you will have the time to make things better. I'm sorry if all of this didn't make sense to you but this blog is about me trying to make sense of the chaos in my mind. Welcome to my very inner thoughts. 

"Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it."

 You Can Still Wear White

Have you ever heard a song that you could swear was written about you? A song that narrates the story of your life at that moment or just hits the exact emotion you are feeling that day. Well it seems to happen to me on an everyday basis. But last week Josh told me to look up a song that was perfect for me, well more for us. So I immediately went to utube to listen to yet another song that I could some how manage to make about myself. Boy am I glad I did. The song is called "You Can Still Wear White" By: Matt Kennon. By the end I was balling. It touched me in a way that I can honestly say no other song ever has. I'm going to share the lyrics with you to better your understanding of why it made such an affect on me.

Baby why you sitting here all alone,
in the bathroom crying.
Oh girl what's wrong?
You know you can tell me anything.
Are you getting nervous, bout wearin that new ring?
Well if that ain't it, is this about your dress?
I thought we've been over this...

Chorus:
Baby you can still wear white,
no matter where you've been.
No lookin back we're startin all over again.
I want you by my side, I gotta be your man.
Your perfect in my eyes.
You can still wear white.

You and your bright eyed baby girl,
mean more than anything.
Oh you're my whole world.
I can almost see her smiling,
that little basket in her hand droppin pettles down the aisle.
And if people talk, well we'll just let them talk.
Do what you want, this is only gonna happen once.

Chorus:
Baby you can still wear white,
no matter where you've been.
No lookin back we're startin all over again.
I want you by my side, I gotta be your man.
Your perfect in my eyes.
You can still wear white.

Baby you can still wear white,
no matter where you've been.
No lookin back we're startin all over again.
I want you by my side, I gotta be your man.
Your perfect in my eyes.
You can still wear white.
Oh baby, you can still wear white

WOW

Not only does it fit my life down to my beautiful baby girl, it focuses on the fears that any woman who has a failed marriage in their past feels every day. No matter how happy you are and how much you feel that you have moved on, there is always that lingering knowledge that people are judging you. I'm not one to focus on what the general public thinks of me but I care very much about what and how the people closest to me feel. So to know that the ONE person who's thoughts and opinions count feels this way about it makes me the happiest woman in the world.

So to Josh; Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for never making me feel that I'm not good enough because of the mistakes I have made in my past. I have tears rolling down my face as I think about how God has blessed me in more ways that I could ever possibly deserve. He sent you to me when I least expected it. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Thank you again for sharing this beautiful song with me and for loving me like no one else in this world could. 

Yall have a beautiful and blessed week. If yall can be even half as happy as I am, I think your doin pretty good ;)             

Dreams

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe."

Oh the dreams I have had in my life. To be a doctor, to be in the WNBA, to marry Justin Timberlake... Yes I know that there are some dreams that are unrealistic but I stand strong in saying that if Justin Timberlake were to meet me he would fall madly in love and want to spend the rest of his beautiful life with me :)

Anyway...

Throughout the course of this crazy thing we call life, our dreams change, along with so many other aspects of our lives. Sadly, I have lost track of my dreams. I'm not even sure what they are as of now. I do know that I love my family and I want Josh, Lilly and myself to have a beautiful life together but that's where I get stuck. What next? I will look at how my dreams have evolved and maybe get some answers and go from there.

The Big Apple

When I was in high school my goal in life was to be a journalist. I loved to write. I would write whenever I could no matter what the reason. I would write short stories while I was at work or in class. I wrote for my town's newspaper whenever they gave me the chance. Besides basketball, writing was my safe place. It let me escape from reality into a world of words. When I was a senior I was blessed with a trip to New York City for my senior trip. Needless to say, I fell in love. By the end of my trip I had decided I was going to be the next Carrie Bradshaw (the Sex and The City tour we went on had much influence on this.) I was going to major in journalism while playing basketball in college. I would get as much writing experience as possible and the day after I graduated....I would be gone. I was bound and determined to live the life of a struggling writer in New York City.

I would live in a small apartment made fabulous in my own way

and I would run everyday through the beautiful Central Park.

I was going to make it happen and there is no doubt in my mind that I would have. But a struggling writers income is not what  I would call family worthy. One day though, I know I will write again.

The Dream Within Reach

Every single day I play with thoughts of my future. Although I don't seem to getting any closer to an answer, I do feel like I have an option that I could very much make a reality. My brother, Kyle, lives in Boulder, Colorado. When he graduated from college, he up and moved to Brekenridge, Colorado to be a childrens Ski Instructor. I admire him for having the correge to leave the only kind of life he has ever really known to just start a new one. A part of me has always been jealous. After a few seasons of ski instructing and his continuing job as a white water rafting guide, he lives in Boulder and has an "adult" job. He absolutely loves it there. Not too long ago Josh was doing some research and learned that the Aurora/Denver Fire Departments are in the top 10 highest paid fire departments in the country.

Hmmmmm...

Could we leave Texas for a new beginning in Colorado?

Could we wake up to this every morning?

and enjoy this beautiful town at night?

Absolutely we could. And we very well may. My brother and his girlfriend are there and will help me however I need. My family is there. A fresh start and new beginning is there. Once again...Im not any closer to a decision.

Home

Yes you are reading that right. Three thousand two hundred and ninety two people. This is the place I call home. I moved to Canton when I was 12 from Coppell. Talk about culture shock. I struggled growing up in Canton to no one’s fault but my own. I made pore decisions which led to a miserable high school experience. It is also obviously small and doesn’t offer much in terms of entertainment. No movie theater, no symphony hall, no musicals or malls.  We do have the famous Dairy Palace though...

And thank God for that.

 Despite all that, Canton is a good place. It is the kind of place I could see raising my children. I know Lilly would be happy never leaving Canton. This is where both mine and Josh's families are.  Not only do I think it is SO important for Lilly to be near our parents, I can’t imagine being that far away from my mom or baby sister. Every day we spend here, every volleyball game or pep rally I go to, every time I help Sydney with her homework it makes me want to be here. The hard times for her haven’t even begun yet. A part of me thinks I need to be here for her through high school. I don’t want to miss out on her life. Something else I think about often is having Lilly start and finish school in the same school district. I never had that opportunity. For her to graduate high school with the same kids she was in Kindergarten with would be such a neat experience.

I have so many things to consider and most days feel like I’m no closer to a solution. I just continue to pray and I know that God will lead us to where He feels is best for us. I will continue to search and peruse my dreams.

.

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5

Advice is greatly appreciated so go right ahead and share your thoughts with me. Oh and if you’re ever in my neck of the woods let me know....we will definitely make a trip to Dairy Palace :)